RIP Gary, Dennis and Rue

That’s quite a cross section of talent we have lost. Where Gary Coleman represents the wholesome days of youth, Rue McClanahan serves as a symbol of that embarrassing era where you never left the house on Saturday nights for fear of missing “The Golden Girls.” Dennis Hopper? No, let’s not talk about what portion of our past he has come to represent.

The buzz in Waterford

Two charged with tearing up a house with chainsaw and hammer. Ever wonder what it would be like if Bob Vila and Tim “The Toolman” Taylor went on a meth bender? Now you know.

Al and Tipper

The Gores are splitting up. Apparently, there has been a drastic cooling in the Gore bedroom. The effect this will have on polar bears and penguins remains to be seen.

Where there’s smoke

So that rich smell of smoke hanging over my backyard was actually from forest fires in Quebec? Well, don’t I just feel terrible about accusing my neighbors of smoking really rancid dope.

Cleanup in aisle six, aisle five, aisle four…

In Auburn, a woman at JC Penney was reportedly trying to pick a fight with everyone she saw. Clearly, hormones and shopping is a bad idea, like mixing crack and meth.

“Wow! That’s a low price!”

“Shut up.”

Groin punch.

Naked prey

Got this helpful memo from a guy who spends a lot of time downtown. “At 9:45 p.m., I reported a naked man running up Pine Street in Lewiston. When I caught up to him, he had blood gushing from his head and neck. I rushed him to St. Marys. I hope he’s ok. I haven’t heard anymore about it since then.”

Great tip. The only question I have is: What the hell are you doing chasing a naked man in the first place?

Oil cam

It’s apparently an Internet sensation, but every time I tune in, there’s nothing to see but a test pattern and a series of indecipherable numbers and letters. Still find it more engaging than Glee.

That stinks

In Lewiston, a thief twice broke into an apartment on Park Street where he stole a jar of pennies, a bottle of Polo cologne and used a computer to look at pornography. This sounds like the work of every roomate I’ve ever had.

My dearest Jim Joyce

You stink! Get your eyes checked, moron! He was out by a mile! You’re a disgrace! Idiot! You make me sick!

In spite of that rant, I’m not a proponent of the commissioner overturning calls. There’s a certain blown call in 1985 I’d like to see remain in place, thank you very much.

Smokey’s Greater Shows

Is back in town. Awesome! Now you can rekindle your romance with that carney you hooked up with last spring. Good luck, sugar. We’re all rooting for you.