It happens to every guy. One minute he’s saying, “Yes, dear,” in the car. The next, he’s being assaulted by a mixture of potpourri, floral soaps and cotton-poly blends.

It could be the candle store, the mall shoe boutique or the lingerie shop. Blinded by the scent of a sale on the wing, females are frequently unaware of their escort’s utter discomfort — sealed with the words “Here. Hold this.”

Well, brother, tuck that pocketbook under your arm and man up. Two new shoppers have your back.

While Bag Lady and Shopping Siren rest this week after a treacherous mojito-related incident, Retail Rambo and Barg N. Hunter are searching for those oases of manhood in the feminine shopping desert.

And we’re marking new territory — not the go-to guy-friendly places like Pep Boys, Gee and Bee or Best Buy. We didn’t even visit that shopping mall escape pod for men the world over, Radio Shack.

No, Retail Rambo and Barg N. Hunter ventured into those estrogen-soaked venues that sell face creams, silverware and scrap-booking supplies, and emerged with a few bargains and their man cards intact.

Take TJ Maxx.

It’s undeniably lady territory, but a man should never be afraid of following his woman inside. Amid the shoes, swimsuits and handbags, the store stocks enough cool gear to keep you occupied.

It’s spring, so they’ve brought out a serious stock of spatulas, scrapers and other grilling gear. A clever, cast-iron mini-burger basket will set you back $9.99 — cheap enough that you can still afford the ground beef, buns and sliced onions. Start slinging flame-broiled sliders.

Farther back in the store, we found a sturdy pair of padded neoprene work gloves in safety orange or green. Cost: $7.99. You can never have too many work gloves, to keep splinters to a manageable level while splitting wood, repairing the deck or moving brush.

Next on the hit list: Bed, Bath and Beyond.

The poofy pillow and kitchen gadget store is the place to go to buy a spatula or a back scrubber. The store also squeezes tech gadgets into those easy-to-see islands in the aisle. They have lots of iPod/iPhone accessories: clock-radio players, skins and carriers.

Barg N. Hunter found a marked-down record player: the Innovative Technology Retro Turntable. The tabletop device can play vinyl — remember those big, black music discs? — and record them to CD. Nothing better to preserve that collection of Beatles imports and Led Zep classics. At 25 percent off, it costs $149.99.

Sad to say, not all stores make it this easy. We overturned the Ivy Cottage in Auburn Mall searching for the slightest useful manly thing, but we were skunked. The store has plenty of nice stuff to give your mom or an aunt, and some nice-looking silver pendants for the wife or girlfriend, but nothing a buddy would ask to borrow out of your toolbox. The closest that Retail Rambo came was a $3.75 “U.S. Route 1, Maine” magnet suitable for holding beer coupons to the fridge.

A visit next door to Claire’s, the teen girl’s dream for Day-Glo earrings and hair bows, turned up a blaze-orange plastic key chain for $2.50 that’d be workable for holding the keys to the snowmobile or hunting camp.

As a final test of skill, we ventured into cucumber-scented Bath & Body Works. Barg N. Hunter vowed to buy nothing unless it were attached to a rope.

Instead, he left with a glossy, blue shopping bag filled with strong-smelling goodies. Two were samples of men’s body wash in the masculine scents of “Ocean” and “Oak,” the latter described as a “woodsy blend of red oak, cedarwood and musk” with notes of juniper, clove, patchouli, sandalwood and coffee.

Retail Rambo raised a furry eyebrow: What in Sam Hill does sandalwood smell like, anyway?

Undeterred, Barg N. Hunter zeroed in on a guys’ best bargain: a tube of C.O. Bigelow “Premium Shave Cream.” The eucalyptus-scented concoction retails for $10 but was 75 percent off. A lucky find — the store has no men’s section. The clerk unearthed the tube from the bottom of a clearance bin overflowing with fruity-smelling potions.

Retail Rambo sniffed the contents of the green tube, detecting something familiar.

RR: “This makes you smell like a men’s room.”

BNH: “Yeah, before you were there.”

Think twice: Violight Duo Toothbrush sanitizer, $16 at TJ Maxx. Sounds gadgety enough to punch your man card: Hooks to the wall in the bathroom and uses UV light to sanitize your toothbrush. If you must, it’s on the shelf with the footballs and the iPod gear back behind the tighty-whities. But seriously, any man who feels the need to sanitize his toothbrush should hitch up his britches (or pull them below his butt, depending on age), saunter out and buy a new one.

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing and sandalwood-scented Doberman pinschers and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com. Retail Rambo and Barg N. Hunter are doing manly things and are unavailable.