You have to be taught to hate

A woman driving a car plastered with hippie messages – peace, love, hugs not drugs, yada yada – had an absolute meltdown in Lewiston Tuesday when a young man had the audacity to walk across Ash Street in front of her. She went red in the face, screamed her voice hoarse and gestured wildly with her hands as the young man quietly made his way to Park Street. The most prominent sticker on her little car? HATE IS A LEARNED BEHAVIOR. Apparently, she just put it there to cover a hole she punched into the metal during an earlier fit of rage.

Go big or go home

Yet another report of shoplifting at one of the dollar stores in Lewiston. This is a mark of a thief with low self-esteem. Why not just stay home and steal things out of your own basement?

Just me and the Mayans

So, I made it official. I requested the day of Dec. 21 off so I can enjoy the end of the world any way I want. They all laughed at me. Laughed! But they’ll see. It’s going to be a real drag when they get sucked into the void after punching the clock and putting in eight solid hours. Enjoy your doom, suckers!

And you people worry about Google Wallet

Standing in a line at Shaw’s the other day, a safety-conscious woman was yelling into her cellphone, having a loud conversation with someone who could probably hear her without the phone. The conversation went something like this: “MY 10-YEAR-OLD IS AT HOME ALONE TODAY! HE SHOULD COME OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOU! IF HE DOESN’T, THERE’S A KEY UNDER THE PLANT POT TO THE LEFT OF THE DOOR! WHAT’S THAT? WHY, YES I DO HAVE SOME VICODIN! I KEEP IT IN THE JEWELRY BOX NEXT TO THAT EXPENSIVE HEIRLOOM MY GRAMMA LEFT ME! I GOTTA GO NOW! I’VE GOT TO PAY FOR MY GROCERIES WITH CREDIT CARD 8001 0578 SECURITY CODE 3612!

I might be making some of that up, but man, not much. Thieves up to six blocks away perked up like cats roused by the sound of a can opener.

And speaking of Shaw’s

The WIN BIG lottery game has come to an end at last. I don’t know how many of you won Ferraris and free cans of tuna, but I got jack out of it. Unless you count the 16,000 losing tickets, which I’m going to gather up and use to build a deck come spring.

Aw, Jeezum

So, on Thursday, I contacted a bunch of school principals and a superintendent or two for a story about the governor’s plan for . . . something or other. I forget. As it turns out, I owe two of the principals several hours of detention and I have to wash a third one’s car. What I’m telling you is that I can’t go to the arcade with you this afternoon.

Kaching

In court news, former highway honcho Paul Violette pleaded guilty to misappropriating funds. What do you want to bet he pays his fine in nickles?