You look like a mushroom

Ten straight days of rain followed by 80-degree temperatures. That’s spring in Maine for ya. But I think we’re all asking ourselves the same question: Just how in the heck is this going to affect the rhubarb?

Pour some sugar on me

When we were kids, we used to eat rhubarb straight from the ground. Nice and tangy. Life was good. Then some fool suggested we pour sugar on the stuff and we all tried it. Personally, I ate 16 rods of rhubarb with piles of sugar on each. I threw up weird colors. I don’t eat rhubarb anymore.

Why ask why?

You wonder why I’m going on about rhubarb, completely out of context. I won’t lie to you. I’m getting a late start on this week’s Talk of the Town and I really need to fill these column inches pronto. My shame is great.

I got your Tilt-a-Whirl

When we get that much rain, I always pause to check to see if the carnival is in town. Guess what? It is! Whenever Smokey’s Greater Shows comes to the Twin Cities, it is always transformed into a water park, whether we like it or not. Hint: We don’t.

Wait’ll we get our Haines on you

Saw a dude walking along the edge of Kennedy Park the other day and his pants were so far down below his waist, you wonder why he bothers putting on pants at all. Seriously, full underwear shot. I could live to be 200 years old (and I just might, I eat right) and I’ll never understand why that low-hanging jeans look is considered cool. Suspenders, now THOSE are cool.

And speaking of underpants

How do the mothers of these guys warn them about wearing clean skivvies? They don’t have to worry about being in accidents because their Underoos are showing regardless. It’s an imbroglio all right.

What are you eating under there?

Additional slang for underwear includes, drawers, manties, skids, tightie whities, drawers, knickers, jockeys, grundies, britches and about a dozen I can’t include here because my editors will get theirs in a bunch.

Rhubard and undies

I’d call that a decent Sunday, wouldn’t you?

Making waves

I’m not one to brag. Except when I do awesome stuff, which is all the time. But when four people were rescued from the Androscoggin River Thursday night, the very first woman to step back onto the safety of land said — before she uttered a single other thing — “I read your column all the time. I was happy to see your face up there.”

Is that cool or what? Almost makes the whole ordeal worth it. You know. For me.