Get your deer yet?

It’s a perfectly valid question this time of year and the beauty is that it applies to anyone you see, from a 95 year old grandmother to a ten year old kid with a snot bubble. It’s amazing how many people enjoy hunting, or as it’s properly pronounced, ‘hunnin.’ Of course, by asking this question, you run certain risks. Either some Joe is going to spend two hours telling you about the buck he could have shot – and would have shot if his dadgummed gun hadn’t jammed – or you’re going to get a long, spittle-laced lecture on why hunting is wrong. You’re better off sticking with a less passionate topic, such as:

So, you vote yet?

On Tuesday, that’s all you heard, no matter where you went. Buy a loaf of bread at the corner store, the clerk would ask if you’d been to the (hee) polls. Pick up a hooker on a street corner, she’d demand to know whether you had cast a vote before getting into your car. The problem is that you can’t really win here, either. If you had voted, they’d want to know where you cast your votes. If not, you’d get a long, spittle-laced lecture on social responsibility and blah blah blah. You’re better off sticking with a more routine topic, such as:

Can you believe it’s dark already?

It’s an absurd question, considering most of us have had decades to get used to the depressing time change each autumn. Yet there it is, 4:15 p.m. and people are standing outside staring at the sky with absolute confusion as if the sun just blinked out for no apparent reason. Can you believe it’s dark already, Elrod? How did this happen? Then Eldrod and friends promptly wander off to the bushes to pee, which is the single benefit to premature darkness.

Park benches on Walnut Street

I was ready to make loud, obnoxious fun of this whole concept, but every time I drive down Walnut Street these days, somebody is sitting on those benches. A young man checking messages on his phone here, a lady kicking back with a book there. Who knew? I just worry that these benches will put an end to the timeless art of downtown post leaning, of which I’ve always been a big fan.

Cuke water

So, water out of Lake Auburn smells like cucumbers. I hadn’t noticed because my leave-in conditioner and facial emollient are also cuke-scented. It’s delightful.

The straight dope

In Portland, voters took a huge step toward legalizing marijuana, which these days won’t shock anybody very much. While it’s a reasonable measure and probably one that won’t cause much drama, the police will probably have to send out extra patrols here and there because you know every teen in the city, and a few adults to boot, will want to scratch out those pesky Rs and change all the municipal signs to say POT-LAND. Which is just good fun, when you get right down to it.

Our, ah… official, you know… position

Reporter Scott Thistle went about asking several Maine politicians where they stand on the issue. The way many of them dance around the question is rather entertaining. It occurs to me that the people who fret about pot are way, way more confused and fuzzy-headed than the people who smoke it. 


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