Marriage fraud

Has been the focus of several headlines lately and thank God this didn’t come into play 11 years ago when I took my own vows. Although. Now that I think of it, what I was accused of was more Honeymoon Fraud than anything else. Happens to all guys.

Pine and Bates

Mysteriously, the traffic lights went down Wednesday at this green, yellow and red portal to Hades in downtown Lewiston. I swear, I had nothing to do with it. Unless the sheer intensity of my hate caused it to happen, in which case I’ll take full credit.

Colbert to replace Letterman

I approve of this move. I’ve always opined that David Letterman was the funniest man on the planet, so it’s only fitting that he’ll be replaced by the No. 2 guy on that list. No. 3 is Piers Morgan, but for completely different reasons.

Heartbleed

The latest Internet scourge prompted several people to write me asking how they could protect themselves from this dangerous bug. I couldn’t help them inasmuch as I was too busy trying to think of better names for the next computer virus to come down the e-pike. I came up with several hilarious monikers, but it occurs to me that not one of them is fit for print in a family newspaper. What does that say about me, I wonder.

Beastmaster!

Russ Dillingham’s recent photo of a vulture atop a crucifix pretty much confirms my suspicions that he is some kind of witch who can make beasts do his bidding. Pity his magic doesn’t work on editors. I once saw Dillingham make a common frog put on a tiny top hat, grab a walking stick and do a little dance. Hello, my baby, hello, my honey . . .

Prostitution in Litchfield

“The off-street parking sold it for me. I hate paying a meter AND an escort.” Ba dum DA! My colleague Douglas McIntire said that, not me. I’m pretty sure he was kidding. Pretty sure.

Promoting sex trafficking?

That’s what they’re calling the promotion of prostitution now, by the way, presumably because people don’t get very excited about plain old prostitution anymore. Frankly, I wish they’d just go back to “fornication,” which just sounds like something you really want to do but know you shouldn’t.