Last week, for the very first time, Mark LaFlamme basked in the presence of Ed Barrett’s mustache.

It was, to quote, “glorious.”

We are quoting LaFlamme here, not the ‘stache. Though if it could talk, the city administrator’s facial hair might order a lime rickey, comment on the weather and compliment the crime reporter on his masterful turns of phrase.

Yes. We’re implying it’s a very polite, cultured mustache.

Such noteworthy follicles demand proper care and feeding. In the past, we at Bliss have shopped for clothes to add to Gov. John Baldacci’s makeover, for an outfit to make Gov. Paul LePage look happy and, now, we shop not just for Ed Barrett’s mustache but for all mustaches, beards, goatees and cheek shrubbery.

Because it’s what we do. Because it’s Father’s Day this Sunday. And because we’ve never before and will never again get to write “cheek shrubbery.”

Mustache, ho!*

* Mustache wax, 1 oz., Fox Tail Grooming, $12

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren happily stumbled upon this online site more than a year ago. Our limited understanding is that mustache wax is how one tames a ‘stache and coaxes it into handlebars and such. More gloriously, it’s made in Maine! Buy local and twirl your ‘stache proudly.

* Beard oil, 1 oz., Fox Tail Grooming, $18

Promises a “light woodsy smell.” Also made in Maine! And we’re not sure what it’s for! Other than the obvious oiling of one’s beard, duh. But why does a beard need oil? It sounds cool nonetheless. It sounds … British. We can’t explain it. Obviously.

* M.F.H.C. Big Mustache T-shirt, Maine Facial Hair Club, no price listed

Very cool artwork of an abstract, burly, bearded dude — and he can only be described as a dude — rocking a handlebar and the (very real) club’s name. Only, add prices! And a shopping cart! Merch your merch, dudes. It’ll totally sell.

* Stache Bomb Stache Wax, 1 oz., Stache Bomb, $8

In pine scent or, wait for it … bacon. This Portland entrepreneur offers a simple quiz for would-be purchasers that includes the question: “Do you wear a monocle and use words like ‘indubitably’?”

We do not. But we bet Ed Barrett’s mustache does.

* Stache Bomb wax and T-shirt combo pack, Stache Bomb, $20
Wax and a T-shirt, both emblazoned with a perky cartoon pin-up girl sitting on a mustached missile. Her name is Stache Bomb Stacy, according to the site. Perfect for guys who have a nostalgic streak — as well as an awesome ‘stache — and aren’t afraid to rocket.
* Z’Fogless Swivel 2X Magnification Mirror, CVS, $14.99
Lets you see up close even after a steamy shower, which is perfect for beard grooming, mustache trims and general manscaping. Well, unless your hair tends to frizz. In that case, step away from the steam, sir. Step away. 
Best find: Philips Norelco All in 1 Facial Styling Grooming Kit, CVS, $19.99 (get $5 in CVS “Extra Bucks” this week)
A water-resistant, cordless, rechargeable tool with a full-size trimmer, detail trimmer, nose-hair trimmer and adjustable beard comb with 18 length settings. For all 18 lengths of beard known to man. And here we thought there were only two: Zach Galifianakis and ZZ Top.

Think twice: Just for Men Mustache and Beard color, CVS, $9.99

Comb in dye to turn a snowy white or steely gray ‘stache jet black or light-to-medium brown. Which is very nice and all, but we happen to believe there’s nothing wrong with white or gray facial hair. It’s warm. Distinguished. Gentlemanly. So let your true color shine.

Your cheek shrubbery will thank you for it.

* With the exception of CVS, all shops are online retailers. It’s where mustaches do their best shopping.

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who approve of anything in bacon scent) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at [email protected] and [email protected].

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