You know the seasons are messed up when it’s a week into November and you’re still running, sissy-like, from hornets. If anyone knows a sure fire way to get rid of the things, I’d love to hear it. Every time I give it serious contemplation, the only solution I come up with involves a match, some gasoline and moving to a new address.

The Great Mayor Runoff

Seriously, doesn’t this happen every time that position is up for grabs? Until recently, I thought a mayor runoff was exactly what it sounds like: the candidates put on their sneakers and sprint through the city until one of them collapses and quits the race, which is exactly what they did to elect their leaders in ancient Greece. Probably.

Amy Schumer sets speed record

It happened in Portland, where the comedian made an appearance at the Cross Arena that was so brief, she didn’t have time to tell the punchline to her joke. To all those shortchanged Schumer fans, the punchline was: “No, I’m a frayed knot.” Now, quit yer bitchin.

Shots fired!

A good half dozen rounds were fired in downtown Lewiston while I was on vacation, one of them into a tire outside McDonald’s, many more into the boozy haze over a Park Street social club. It was like election day in Baghdad all up in here. I mainly found out about this madness through a series of concerned text messages. “Be careful out there,” and “keep your head down,” and “stop riding your motorcycle across my lawn, moron!” It was very touching and absurd, considering the fact that I was out in a field in the middle of nowhere when both shootings went down, and the most dangerous thing I was facing was a bunch of hornets. I think one of them might have been packing, though.

My cup runneth over

I’m outraged over the latest Starbucks controversy. Outraged, I say! Or probably would be if I paid any attention to it. I’m a Dunkin man, myself, and I don’t care much what the cup looks like as long as there’s coffee in it and it has one of those cool lids with the snap down mouth hole cover. Gotta have the snap down mouth hole cover. I have spoken.

GOP debate

Screw that noise, let’s have a GOP run off. Or better yet, to keep things really fresh, a twerk off. Whoa. I made myself a little queasy with that idea. Chris Christie shaking his groove thang is something I don’t ever want to see.

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