DEAR READERS: I promised ”Heartbroken Mom From Anywhere” (Oct.
5) to print letters from readers offering suggestions about helping
her teen daughter, who is a cutter:
DEAR ABBY: I am a 33-year-old woman who has cut for many years,
starting early in high school. What concerns me is the mom doesn’t
completely understand what’s going on. Not many people do.
Self-harm is a cry for help from someone who doesn’t know how to
voice his or her emotions. I, too, was bullied and didn’t know how
to express the pain I was feeling, so I took it out on my body. Over
the years it became my coping mechanism, although an unhealthy one.
Helping someone who is self-harming requires understanding AND A
LICENSED PROFESSIONAL to identify the emotions and suggest better
ways to express them. One that worked for me was doing puzzles. It
was a way to keep my mind and hands busy.
This teen also needs to know she is not alone. Parents need to
listen. I cannot stress how important it is for cutters to know
someone is there for them with love and no judgment. — KNOWS FROM
EXPERIENCE IN MISSOURI
DEAR ABBY: I grew up in a dysfunctional household with abusive
parents. When I would cut, it was like I could feel all my pent-up
emotions leaking out through the wounds on my legs. The physical
pain was bearable and distracted me from everything that was going
on in my life, and I would feel a little bit better about myself and
a little less desperate.
Cutting is a powerful addiction. Even now, more than 10 years
later, when things get bad I feel a compulsion to just make one
small cut. What helped me to stop cutting wasn’t counseling or
medication. It was becoming passionate about active hobbies that
allowed me to release my bottled-up feelings and stress and feel
good at the same time. — FORMER CUTTER IN MINNESOTA
DEAR ABBY: I have worked in psychiatry for 10 years and have
found that some of these children have been sexually molested. Some
told their parents and were not believed because it was the mother’s
boyfriend, a family friend or a relative. Carrying this around is a
heavy burden.
Parents need to show the child they will look into the
allegation. We should be a safe place for our kids to offload all
their fears and insecurities, because we have a duty to protect them
from abuse. — IN THE FIELD IN BROOKLYN, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: I have been a cutter from age 9 to the present — age
22 — though now it’s less frequent. The biggest mistake my parents
and friends made when I was really destructive was forcing me to
commit to ultimatums. It turned my cutting into a shameful thing,
isolated me and made it impossible to talk about it.
I advise ”Heartbroken” to keep talking to her daughter (not
nagging) about cutting, bullying, school and things the girl likes.
Share activities with her. Take her hiking, bicycling, to museums or
movies. Spending time with her is important for distraction and
bonding. Physical activity can help depressed individuals feel
better.
And she should understand that recovery is never a straight
line. There will be hiccups, setbacks and days when it doesn’t seem
like it will get better. Eventually, with therapy (via counselors,
bonding with friends/family, connection with nature/animals) and
learning better coping habits, she will improve. Patience and
support are imperative. — KYLE IN PENNSYLVANIA
******
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne
Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact
Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA
90069.
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