Before this week, Bag Lady could not have told you where to buy a Swedish-made spork in the Twin Cities.

Had you asked, there would have been much hand-wringing, maybe the suggestion to try a Kentucky Fried Chicken drive-through, though undoubtedly those are not Swedish-born.

Then I walked into Sports Authority’s soon-to-be closing Auburn store.

More specifically, into its oddly robust camping section (Camping is a sport?).

And there — there they were.

It was Swedish-made spork nirvana.

Now I know — now you know — and we’ve all learned something.

Also, camping totally is not a sport. Are there medals? Time trials? Can I watch competitive tinder-gathering on NESN? I dare say, no. But I digress.

Right now, everything in Sports Authority is 10 to 40 percent off. According to a clerk, the store will be open until May or June.

Let’s jog the aisles while they’re still here. 

• Sports Authority women’s French terry tunic, $40.49

Black and long-sleeved with a cool slouched neck.

Pair with:

• Sports Authority women’s capri-length jersey sweats, $15.19

Run. Walk. Lounge. We judge not.

• Dumbbells and kettle bells, $3.14 and up

The one-pound pink dumbbell is unbelievably cute — and heavier than I anticipated one pound to be — unintentionally good incentive for losing a few pounds.

• Mini-luggage scale, $7.97

So practical. Don’t wonder how much that suitcase weighs next time you travel. Spend a little now, save a lot on luggage fees at the check-in counter.

• Tornado-brand 800KV pink stun gun, $44.99 

I want to read a lot into this being the last pink stun gun on the shelf. That it’s wildly popular. That half of Lewiston-Auburn is packing. I don’t know what to read into its placement in the aforementioned robust camping section.

• North Face youth starry purple winter jacket, $71.98

Gray and bunny-soft on the inside. Talk about perfect timing for this weekend. The look on a child’s face — you got me a winter coat! When it’s hardly cold out! And I asked for Disney “Frozen” Jenga! — will be priceless.

• Airstop, $4.94

For stopping leaks in pool toys and air mattresses. Whip this out of your purse, or fanny pack, this summer and marvel at the people marveling at you for thinking ahead.

• Lifeline ultralight survival kit, $13.49

Weighs a mere 5.5 oz. and includes 20-plus pieces, including a compass, string and a snare wire “for catching small game or building shelter.”

Come, now.

You’ve wildly overestimated my abilities and gumption, Lifeline — though I could see curling up for a good cry in the survival blanket.

Best find: Light My Fire sporks, two sizes, $3.14-$4.04

Industrial plastic in orange, green, red or blue, with a spoon on one end, fork on the other and a serrated edge on one side of the fork. For lunch boxes, emergency kits, picnic dates — as many occasions as there are uses. Well, I guess there are three uses. Spoon, fork, knife. So, even more occasions than uses! How’s that for value?

Think twice: Stuffball, $5.97 

A tiny pouch that can be stuffed with anything small and squishy, like a bandana, then zipped and used as a ball.

For when carrying an actual small ball is presumably too inconvenient but carrying a pouch is, um, somehow not.

I don’t get it, admittedly. But Bag Lady can now at least tell you where to find one while they last!

Bag Lady’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who hear “ball” and block out everything else) and the customer service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at [email protected]

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