Valentine’s Day can be heartfelt. Heartbreaking. Heartening.

And sometimes, depending on your love life, the cause of heartburn.

Shopping Siren’s favorite way of marking the holiday involves a 3-pound box of assorted chocolates and a bottle of red wine, with or without someone else. It works beautifully for heartache or heartthrobs. 

No so much for heartburn.

But take heart! Turns out there are tons of remedies out there. Some standard. Some a little weird. All easy to grab before a bottle of wine or after your beloved tells you he’s spending this Feb. 14 with his ex.

So save the burning for a romantic fire this Valentine’s Day. It’s OK to eat your heart out once in a while.

* Caleb Treeze’s “Proven Old Amish Formula,” 8 ounces, Axis Natural Foods, $10.99

This 8-ounce bottle contains apple cider vinegar, ginger plant juice and garlic juice and claims to stop acid reflux in about one minute when you drink a bit with or without water. Voila! Your heartburn will vanish just like that frat boy who asked for your number at the college Valentine’s Day party and then hooked up with the Swedish exchange student instead. My analogy, not the Amish’s.  

* Urban Moonshine digestive bitters, 2 ounces, Axis Natural Foods, $5.09

I’m a little foggy on how bitters help. Or, you know, what they even are. But both the bottle and the Urban Moonshine site say taking just a little from the dropper will help with occasional heartburn and aid in digestion. I was pretty “meh” until I noticed it comes in maple flavor. Now I’m all “ooh.”  

* Bismatrol, 8 ounces, The Medicine Shoppe, $3.09

Thick pink liquid just like Pepto Bismal, only more fun to say.

* Tums Chewy Delights, 32 count, Bedard Pharmacy, $6.39

Antacid chews in “very cherry” or “orange rush,” with packaging that promises “fast and tasty heartburn relief.” That’s not something I ever realized I wanted in an antacid, but now I do.

* Rugby calcium antacid tablets, 96 count, Bedard Pharmacy, $6.59

In assorted fruit flavors, though the package never says exactly what those flavors are. I’m guessing green must be … avocado? Pink is passion fruit? Yellow is banana? It’s anyone’s guess. I think I prefer assorted chocolates.

* Alka Seltzer effervescent tablets, 28 count, Wal-Mart, $4.28

Drop a tablet in a glass of water without humming the original “plop, plop, fizz, fizz” jingle from the 1970s. Go on. I dare you.

Best find: Heartburn Free!, 10 softgels, Axis Natural Foods, $27.25

The package promises to eradicate heartburn for six months or more when taken regularly as directed. From what is this miracle made? Orange peel extract!

I’m not kidding.

That’s a lot of money for something made from the throw-away part of Junior’s snack time. But if it works? And lasts that long? Could be worth considering. Just, like anything, talk to your doctor first. Orange peel extract sounds harmless enough until you end up on “Untold Stories of the ER.”

Think twice: Fruit of the Earth aloe vera juice, 1 gallon, Wal-Mart, $6.44

Although this jug didn’t offer any particular antacid promises (other than a vague but cheery, “Drink to your health!”), aloe vera has long been touted as a natural remedy for heartburn. I’m a little skeptical. Sure, heartburn and first-degree burn both involve the word “burn,” but I’m pretty sure that’s where the similarities end.

So maybe keep smearing aloe on the finger you singed while lighting a dozen tiny cupid-shaped candles, but do your research before taking a swig of aloe vera juice to quell the nervous acid that keeps rising whenever you think of your plan to pop the question Tuesday.

And may your Valentine’s Day be wholeheartedly awesome.

Shopping Siren’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who know chocolate isn’t good for dogs but insist that steak is) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at [email protected]

Heartburn Free! from Axis Natural Foods, $27.25. Because “My heart’s afire” sounds romantic unless your heart actually is on fire.

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