The truth is out there, maybe

NASA is still going on about those seven new “planets” they’ve recently “discovered” in a solar system a light fathom or two away. Stinking liars. I checked the sky with my own telescope, the powerful Walmart 50×168-WTF and I didn’t see any planets out there. Come to think of it, I didn’t see any American flag on the moon, either. I did see a neighbor doing a little topless ironing, though, so the the mission wasn’t a complete bust.

Livermore man attempts to eat cocaine in Chesterville

He attempted it and somehow failed? What, he couldn’t keep the cocaine on his fork? And the headline in the Sun Journal seems to imply that the crime is that he made this attempt in Chesterville. Is it OK to eat cocaine elsewhere? Like Leeds. Is it cool to eat cocaine in Leeds? How about Lisbon Falls? What’s the cocaine-eating scene like there? I’m confused.

Harrison man charged in bad-blood barn fire

Now this headline I like. “Bad-blood barn fire” has a sort of Charlie Daniels Band flavor to it. You can practically hear the fiddle music.

Jay man arrested in maple syrup heist

Bet the guy behind that headline has some mad cred in the county lockup. When you graduate to the level of stealing a breakfast condiment, it’s only a matter of time before Charlie Daniels writes a song about you.

The Oscars!

I have absolutely no comment about the Oscars. I’m just going to assume I was snubbed again.

A fast way to make friends

A couple of nights this week were foggy. Extraordinarily foggy. Driving in that soup was tricky, sure, but walking the streets was even weirder. In downtown Lewiston, you couldn’t see a person ahead of you on the sidewalk until you were right up on him. And let me tell you, once you were right up on him, things got awkward.

Dough!

Imagine if you will, a hungry man living in a fourth-floor apartment somewhere in Lewiston. He orders a pizza, this man, and waits with wet lips and rumbling stomach for the steaming hot pie to arrive. And arrive it does, but does our hero get to sample the gooey cheese and greasy pepperoni he so craves? He does not. Before the pizza gets to him, a scoundrel on a lower floor spots the delivery man, thinks quickly and signs for said pizza. In a stroke of a pen, the crime is committed and the betrayal complete. Let’s face it, people: This is Spy vs. Spy-level shenanigans.

Parallel dimensions

On Thursday, March 2, outside the Androscoggin County Superior Courthouse, I performed the most perfect parallel parking in the history of horizontal space. It was a thing of beauty, to the point where other parkers were weeping with envy and tattered pride before slinking away to park in angled spaces with the rest of the amateurs. 

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