To hair is human

Nate Poulin, arrested on charges stemming from an alleged rent scam, may be the most despised man in Lewiston-Auburn right now, but did you see his mug shot? His hair is GLORIOUS! We’re talking Michael Landon-level locks here.

Wisdom Teeth Removed

There’s a sign that advertises this in big, bold letters at the side of Main Street in Lewiston. To me, it doesn’t sound optional. Like, if you accidentally turn into the parking lot there, tough on you. You’re getting your wisdom teeth removed.

The LPD feels so alone

In Lewiston, police have taken to posting on Facebook in hopes of convincing the public to help snare suspects. They’ll post a photo captured through a store surveillance camera and ask for help in identifying the alleged wretch. Problem is, they don’t give any indication at all as to why they are looking for the alleged wretch in the first place. “Please help us identify this male subject,” they will post, and nunya business why we want to find him. This is the police equivalent of the sympathy-baiting status updates you see across Facebook all the time – the “I give up,” or “Nobody understands me” type of posts that are big on woe but utterly lacking in detail. The LPD is just one convenience store stickup away from posting sad-face emojis to express frustration over elusive suspects.

‘Nate Libby uses colorful language in tweet aimed at LePage’

He could have saved everybody a lot of trouble by simply tweeting a red-face emoji with steam coming out of its ears.

Place smiley face with sunglasses here

I should point out that I’ve never – not once! – used an emoji. Never used LOL, either, except for that one time I was really drunk and trying to spell “lascivious.” Don’t ask me why I was trying to spell “lascivious.” It’s complicated.

‘Fire and Furry’

Are you scared yet? You should be scared. These words screamed from an Augusta area newspaper headline Wednesday to describe the war of words between the U.S. and North Korea. Misprint? Perhaps. But while we can all agree that “fire and fury” is alarming enough on its own, “fire and furry” is a whole new level of horror. It conjures images of stuffed kitties, bunnies, bears and cheetahs blazing a trail of terror across the Pacific Ocean. If I was North Korea, I’d totally surrender now.

Furry

If you don’t know what a “furry” is, that will have made no sense to you. Look it up. You’ll thank me later.

Light up my life

So, my wife brought home a fancy toilet light that cycles through a bunch of different colors as it lights up the bowl. Stupid, right? That’s what I thought until I used it for the first time. Now I can’t imagine life without it. It’s like going to a rave every time you pee! It’s also reason number 3,121,967 why I’m glad I’m not a woman – the toilet light is just not something you can enjoy while sitting down.

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