Lights out

The previous weekend was marked by repeated and sustained power outages across large sections of Lewiston. I should point out that in the case of an electrical outage, a battery-powered toilet light faithfully remains working, saving God only knows how many people from accidentally doing their business in bathtubs and sinks. Not to mention the horrible things that can happen with toilet plungers in the dark. Ask me how I know.

Waterville mayor not running for governor

The field of candidates for governor is so vast, we’re now running stories about people who DON’T want it. OK mister, I want a piece of that non-action. I’d like to announce today that I am not running for governor. Neither is my wife, neither is the guy who cuts my hair. Also not running, that dude who sells roses on Lisbon Street, the night manager at Shaw’s, the girl on Pine Street in Lewiston who calls everybody “Cookie” and Charlie Sheen. Got that? You didn’t hear it here first.

I can write anything I want

Who am I kidding. It’s Super Bowl Sunday, ain’t nobody reading this drivel. I could flagrantly insult your mother in this space and you’d never know it. I won’t, though, because your mother is a remarkable person and I love her. Too bad she’ll never know it because she’s getting all sloshed today and throwing her undergarments at the little Tom Brady on the television screen. 

The Grammys

Seriously, who are these people? I was waiting to see if Peter Frampton won anything, but they just kept parading out these unknown weirdos. I also didn’t see Blondie, the band who wrote “Funky Town” or that guy who sings a song about his drowned dog. What was his name? Henry Gross, that’s it. I think he’s running for governor.

Seriously

The song is about a dog who swims off into the ocean and drowns. I wish someone would write a sequel wherein the mutt re-emerges as a zombie dog and terrorizes the beach. That would ease the pain.

Live long and jitter

A new study has found that people who drink one to five cups of coffee live longer than those who abstain. According to my math, this means that I should live to the age of 821. I’m totally going to get myself a little place on Mars. I’d invite you over, but you’ll be dead. You don’t drink nearly enough coffee, yo.

Hack, cough, wheeze

Worried about the flu? You should wash your hands often and cover your mouth when you cough, but that’s not enough. You must also wash the hands of every stranger you encounter and cover THEIR mouths when you cough. This is also a great way to make new friends in line at the auto parts store.

I approve this message

Since our current governor’s previous job was at Marden’s, shouldn’t we seek a new governor by trawling the dollar stores? And if that doesn’t work, maybe we should scour the discount racks at Victor News. They have EVERYTHING.