Moon struck

What’s with all the specialty moons these days? Clearly someone is making big money by promoting every other full moon as the best ever. Coming up in June, look for the Super Bruised Harvest Blood Moon with Improved Perigee and Optional Eclipse. Some restrictions may apply.

Somebody needs a time out

Cops were called in Lewiston last Wednesday for a report of a 13-year-old and an 8-year-old who don’t like each other and who were not getting along. For long minutes, the city was gripped with fear as our finest law enforcement officers sought a way through this dangerous situation. I didn’t listen to the call all the way through, but I suspect that somebody was sent to his room without dinner. Hey, if you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime, yo.

I can see my house from up here!

On Webster Street in Lewiston, utility workers put up a “bump” sign to alert us travelers that there was a rise in the road where they placed one of those protective covers over their lines. Normally those things are no more trouble than your average speed bump, but this one was so steep, after I went over the thing, I stopped to ask the workers for one of those “This car climbed Mount Webster Street” bumper stickers. They didn’t give me one, the cheapskates.

Sunday River kid

Boy appears next to Justin Timberlake at the Super Bowl and is now the hottest thing on the planet. Damn paparazzi. Where the hell were you that time in 1980 when I ran into John Travolta in Lakewood? You could have made me famous, but nooooo.

Welcome back

I also met the guy who played Arnold Horshack while in Lakewood. How much are you digging me right now? Give me my season ski pass, you skinflint. 

Groundhog Day

Why is this still a thing? Everyone knows it’s bunk, yet year after year, we drag that poor woodchuck out of his hole when he’s probably trying to mate or eat or watch television in peace. I blame Bill Murray.

FISA memo

tl;dr: all politicians are crooks.

tl;dr

That means “too long, didn’t read,” you know, and it’s designed for people with short attention spans. All the kids are using it these days. I just tried it out myself and found it extremely helpful. You can send a blistering, nine-page letter of hate to your boss and then put at the end: “tl;dr: go suck lemons.” Convenient! Now I have to figure out how to get this exciting new abbreviation into my resume.