Night fever

On a rainy Friday night in Lewiston, an irritated caller reported to police that there was a disco party happening downtown. A disco party! Cops hustled over to the brick house far out on Shawmut Street but there was, like, nobody there. You dig?

One bright day in the middle of the night

Police Wednesday night were sent looking for a criminal suspect who was described as roughly six feet tall and weighing in at between 125 and 205 pounds. That’s a pretty helpful description right there. You’re looking for a guy who is of average height and either skinny or not skinny. Hey! I think I know that dude!

Got any green?

I tell you brothers. This whole lettuce recall is bringing me down. Shelves bare just about everywhere and if I don’t get a salad soon, I’m going to have to go back to buying lettuce on the street.

Just kidding

I don’t really eat salad.

Boink!

Overheard on the scanner: “Male is obviously intoxicated on something. He just walked into a telephone pole.” I won’t lie to you. I snorted. It’s even more embarrassing when you do it sober. Ask me how I know.

Port-a-potty arson suspect surrenders

Whew! I guess we can all breath a little easier now.

Well, that stinks

It occurs to me that those port-a-potties smell pretty foul even in the best of circumstances. What do they smell like when they’re on fire, I wonder? The imagination recoils from the very thought of it.

Hookers en masse

A concerned woman keeps asking me when I’m going to write something about all the hookers doing their business near the church on Ash Street in Lewiston. I keep meaning to, but every time I go over there to research the issue, I end up having to turn right around and go back to confession. It’s exhausting.

Hot stuff

This winter was so long that on Wednesday, even though the thermometer had reached 90 degrees, I robotically pulled on a flannel shirt and my nine-inch-thick Carhart coat before stepping outside. I stood there in the driveway for five minutes, perplexed by the fact that I was sweating profusely and feeling faint. Thought I had malaria or something. I tell you, if I’d been wearing my union suit, I probably would have died.

Cover your asp

A man in Lewiston Wednesday was spotted walking his snake on Park Street. If you get my drift. Mark your calendars, summer has begun.