Creepers

They’re really out this spring. These are the people who, while sitting in traffic at a red light, will creep forward a few inches at a time in anticipation of the light turning green. Every few seconds they creep forward a little more, slamming on their brakes when they realize the light is still red. The creepers have all the suspended energy of stock car racers waiting for that green flag to come down. And then – finally! – the traffic light turns green and, what do you know? The creeper isn’t moving at all because he’s apparently given up and is now fully engaged with his phone, a passenger or a good book.

Prepare to be pretty darn scared

A friend in East Dixfield with a wildlife camera captured the image of an unknown creature that’s so hideous and disturbing and downright terrifying, I can’t show it here. (Although I’d probably show it here if I had a copy of the image.) The picture reveals a feathered (or possibly furred) monster absolutely dwarfing a two-story home and, I’m told, a Dodge RAM 1500. And don’t give me any of that nonsense about scale and about how the creature may be no more than three inches tall. Scale means nothing when it comes to hunting the mutant beasts that roam our woodlands! Do you remember the Turner Beast of 200-whatever-year-that-was? Photos didn’t do that fiend justice. As I recall, the Turner Beast was over 30 feet tall! You couldn’t tell from the photos because of scale.

Come here often?

On Wednesday, I was over at the Ramada in Lewiston to cover a business function. You know how I love the business functions. I put on my best hoody and my cleanest pair of boots and go mingle with some of the sharpest minds in the local entrepreneurial blah blah, something something. While I was at the event, I discovered that the Ramada has some of the sleekest public bathrooms I’ve ever seen. Clean tiles, stuff to read above the urinals and trash cans that weren’t even overflowing. I could definitely spend time there. In fact, if given the choice of covering a business function or hanging out in the Ramada bathrooms talking to random strangers, I think you know which way I’d go.

Jay man used broken bottle to end fight over Aryan tattoos

Now that’s a headline. Next time I have to cover a business function, I’m going to use this headline. You WILL read my riveting thoughts on tax rates, dammit.

Why you should ask your kids about Juuling

This is a thing now? The headline doesn’t have the same drama as the old drug scare commercials. Parent asks feverishly: “Who sold you the Juuls? Where did you learn to do this?” Sullen boy gathers his nerve: “From you, all right? I learned Juuling from watching you!” Meh. Doesn’t make me want to quit Juuling.