Pick a card, any card

Auburn’s Dan Cunliffe continued his weird adventures last week when he traveled to California where he showed Denzel Washington a card trick. No, really. There’s video and everything. Cunliffe has the weirdest bucket list ever. I hear next, he’s off to tickle Cloris Leachman and play Connect Four with Charles Bronson’s tailor.

Necco candy factory shut down

The horror. Now when I hanker for a chunk of a dry, flavorless solid, I’ll have to go back to school and eat a stick of chalk straight off the blackboard.

Teacher’s pet

Wait a minute. Do they still have chalk in schools? Do they still have blackboards? Just forget I said anything about it. I’m not anywhere near old enough to remember any of those things.

Swamp thing

It’s humid out there. Muggy. It’s steamy and sticky and stifling and your clothes feel like clammy snakeskins clinging to your damp flesh. One thing I’ve noticed about soggy weather (that’s seven adjectives if you’re counting) is that most people have a hard time talking about it without swearing. They can describe cold or snow or a monsoon in PG language but when the air gets really dank (eight) every utterance requires a $#!@#! to get it started.

Soup is not a meal, Vera!

Incidentally, when the weather is really (pick your adjective from the list above,) when I put on my motorcycle helmet, it feels like I’ve dumped a bowl of Campbell’s Southwest-Style White Chicken Chili Soup over my head. I don’t know why it’s that soup in particular. I tried to get an explanation from the National Weather Service, but they kept hanging up on me.

Maine Med buying building occupied by Pizza Villa restaurant

Oh, that’s great. Now when you go in for a pie, they’ll make you wait an hour in the main lobby before ushering you off to a tiny room where they’ll insist that you take off your clothes for no particular reason. Five different people will come in to poke and prod you and ask a thousand questions that don’t seem in any way related to the pepperoni and pineapple pizza you came in for. Then you’ll wait some more before a stern looking man in a white coat comes in to tell you that everything’s fine, you’re just hungry, and he’s prescribing a bag of Funyuns and a Yoohoo to go with that delicious, thick-crust pizza you still haven’t seen yet. You may eat eventually, but wait til you get the bill, my friend. What the hell is a “pepp func panel” and why does it cost $400? Exactly what is a level 3 topping fee and why are you being charged $229 for a single black olive? All things considered, I think we’d all be better off if the pizza joint bought the hospital, instead. You call ahead, explain what you want, and if you’re not all fixed up in 30 minutes or less, it’s free!

I just threw up a little

Do people really put pineapple and olives on pizza? Seriously, bro. Stop that.

Hot enough for you?

But seriously, it may be hot and irriguous (that’s nine and that’s a record) out there, but I just saw my first back-to-school sale advertisement of the summer and you know that means it’s going to be snowing any day now. Those back-to-school merchants are horrible people who probably put weird stuff on their pizza.