3 a.m. tuna

I got wicked excited last week when I spotted a sign in Lewiston’s Hannaford parking lot that declared “Starting Aug. 8, 24 hours.” Total happy dance. Finally, a place I can go at 4 a.m. when I have a hankering for Vienna sausages, potato sticks, Jiffy Pop (it really IS as much fun to make as it is to eat!), eggplant, raw kombucha, whatever that is, a Salisbury steak TV dinner, a pre-roasted mini chicken, Cheez Whiz, bag balm and a copy of TV Guide. Sadly, my celebrations were premature. The 24-hour-a-day thing refers to parking lot paving and not to the store hours. My world is shattered, yo. They still got the self-checkout lines, though, so I’m not out on the ledge just yet.

Overcooked seafood

Something really troubles me about the movie “Alien,” which I saw at the drive-in last week. We’re expected to believe that mankind has progressed far enough that running into squid-like extraterrestrials during deep-space mining operations is nothing to get overly excited about. Yet, when ol’ Squiward runs amok and starts eating the faces of the crewmen, the best weapon we can come up with is a flame thrower? Really? A flame thrower? We’re traveling the cosmos in suspended animation, but we haven’t developed ray guns or frequency weapons capable of taking out troublesome space cephalopods? Even the Star Trek crews could completely dissolve a space thing with one of those cool phaser gadgets, and that was the 1970s. It’s just very disappointing. If it weren’t for Sigourney’s tank top, I’d have no use for that movie at all.

Kill it with fire!

Now, “The Thing” shows proper use of flame throwers. When you’re battling body-swapping E.T.s on a frozen wasteland on the butt end of the planet, that’s when it’s time to start throwing fire around. Seriously, how cool is Kurt Russell?

I wonder . . .

If down South, they released “The Thing” under the title “The Thang.” Up here in Lewiston, some of us French folks know it as “Da T’ing.”

Had a good time. I’ll call you

And speaking of the drive-in, modern cars just have no business being there. It’s damn near impossible to shut off all exterior lights these days and your car’s nanny brain will keep shutting off your radio, because clearly it knows better than you do when you do or don’t need power or when your parking lights need to be on. Taking a modern car to the drive-in is like taking a nerdy, know-it-all date who insists on pointing out how all those cool special effects would never work in real life because, math.

Pro tip

If you put your emergency brake on, your car’s parking lights will go off when you shut off the engine. I honestly don’t know how any of us survived without safety features like these.

Bolley’s fries

In Waterville, things are getting ugly since Bolley’s Famous Franks decided to save a few bucks by transitioning from crinkle cut fries to straight cut fries, in spite of proof from both science and the Bible that hot dogs must be eaten with crinkle cut fries because only crinkle cut can properly handle the six gallons of vinegar you pour onto them. What’s next, Bolley’s? Tofurkey dogs? Gluten free everything? A salad bar and whole wheat buns? I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. And also mad. Traitors!

Needs a little salt

In Georgia, it’s been reported that nearly $100,000 worth of ramen noodles were stolen from a parked trailer at a Chevron gas station. This is exactly why I keep my noodles in a safe. It would be hilariously ironic if the thieves got the noodles but failed to snag the little flavor packets that go with them. Ha! Enjoy those flavorless blocks of nothing, fools.