This gift stinks

So on Tuesday – just one week before Christmas – a conveniently timed windstorm sent trash cans bouncing merrily across various neighborhoods in Lewiston and Auburn. For the frantic last minute shopper, this was like a gift from heaven. Merry Christmas, Mom! Here’s a slightly dented Brute brand garbage can with only one missing wheel! There’s a lid for it, too, but the last time I saw the sucker it was sailing into the Lewiston canal.

‘Seasons Breetings’

That’s how a lighted decoration on the Auburn side of the Vet’s Bridge appears to greet travelers. I don’t know what it means, but it sounds kind of dirty, so I say we keep it.

Take care of that, would you Hermey?

At Bed, Bath & Beyond, they sell a mechanical decoration that features Santa Clause laboring his way up a ladder and onto a rooftop. Ah, hello! Santa has a fleet of magical reindeer and curiously obedient army of elves. I’m pretty sure Santa hasn’t had to climb any ladders since he got famous enough to quit the roofing gig back in the ’70s.

Christmas event horizon

This is the term for that point you get in your holiday shopping where things have become so desperate, the most prosaic items on the shelves start to seem like brilliant gift ideas in your Yule-ravaged mind. My piano teacher is one of my favorite people in the world and I seriously considered getting her a bulk pack of Farberware silicon whisks the other day from Big Lots. I finally came to my senses. Got her a trash can instead. Lid not included.

This doesn’t look last minute at all!

And speaking of desperate shopping, there are some local stores that are just great for the real eleventh hour shoppers among us. Victor News in Lewiston offers a wildly eclectic array of items, including some classic toys – who wouldn’t be thrilled with a Barrel of Monkeys, a tube of Pick-up sticks or a can of Silly String under the tree? They also have some rad belt buckles, those wallets with chains attached and about a thousand options for managing keys. Best of all, if nothing tickles your fancy on the shelves, you can just bail out and get lottery scratchers and cigarette rolling tubes for everyone on your list.

Also, Bull Moose

They’ve recently expanded their store and if you can’t find a gift for that special someone here, you’re not trying hard enough. I recently discovered that Bull Moose has fake eggs that actually bounce when you drop them. Everyone I know is getting one of those suckers! Unless I already got them a bulk pack of Farberware silicon whisks, that is.

Like Magellan

I also got a gift for myself last week: a pair of gel inserts for my old Wolverine boots. I had no idea these suckers would be so comfortable. If you see me strutting down the street with a goofy grin on my face, this is the reason. It has nothing to do with egg nog and monkeys in a barrel.

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