The diet begins

I am saddened to report that Talk of the Town has been placed on a pretty strict length limit of about 425 words. What that means for you, the clearly deranged reader, is that I will no longer be in here going on and on and on about nothing at all. Nope. The days where I’d just ramble relentlessly about trivial matters are over. Over, I say! From now on it’s clear, concise and to the point. No more pointless babbling for this guy. No more redundancy and especially no more redundancy. Why, I’ll be downright taciturn. Terse. Aloof. A veritable Spartan of words. No more superfluity or repetition just to cram this column space full like an overstuffed Christmas stocking. No more redundancy for this cat. And redundancy, I’m through with that, too.

I want you! To have a great holiday

A couple days before Christmas, a nice lady offered me $200 to show up at the home of a relative in an Uncle Sam outfit. I wore such an outfit as a gag on tax day a few years ago, but sadly I have since parted ways with it. My Halloween gear isn’t completely depleted. I could have showed up as an elf, a cannibal clown or My Little Pony, although that latter isn’t a costume, really. It’s a lifestyle.

It finally happened

A week before Christmas, a fellow was arrested for drunken driving at 10:53 p.m. . . . 10-53 being the police code for drunken driving. Welp, that’s it. The final milestone has been achieved and I’m retiring. I’ll make that official at 10:44.

Card tricks

So, some kind stranger sent me a package with a handful of old baseball cards and a rather cryptic note that stated only: “Here. Can you throw these away?” There’s no way I’m going to throw them away – there’s a Dennis Eckersley in there, for crying out loud, and a Freddie Patek. Frankly, I don’t know what I’ll do with the cards. I can’t help feel that this is some kind of test, like that time some weird angel showed me what life would be like if I’d never been born. Boy, that was a trip. Found Zuzu’s petals, though.

Late Shopper Challenge

If you really want a thrill next year, wait until Christmas morning and do all of your shopping at Cumberland Farms. Total rush. Hope you’re enjoying the air freshener.

Naked kazoo player on Pine Street

Boy, that whole scene was weird. Love to tell you all about it, but unfortunately, I’m out of words.