Ocean’s 19

Nobody will ever do a big action movie about the kind of bank robbers we get here in Lewiston. Seriously, when is the last time a stickup man WASN’T captured within 15 minutes or so? I always wonder how those conversations go in prison: “I got six blocks away before they got me. How far did YOU get?” I guess if you’re the guy who actually got to spend a dollar or two of the stolen loot, you get to be king of the cellblock or something.

The VIP treatment

So, the other day at a Lewiston grocery store, I got to witness a perfect trifecta of absolute schmuckitude. It happened when a guy of about 25 or so came racing up to the front of the store, where he squealed to a stop in the fire lane. And he didn’t just park in the fire lane, he positioned himself at the very front of it so that the nose of his car was blocking the path to the doors. Then our hero stepped out of the car and flicked away his cigarette, which came to rest near the doors so that everyone walking by would have to pass through vile-smelling smoke as it continued to burn. He left his car stereo blasting, so that shoppers would get to enjoy his crappy music at full volume, too. He also spit at some point, which makes this less of a trifecta and more of a . . . I don’t know, fourfecta. I don’t know what this dude did once inside the store and I don’t much like to think about it. When you reach that level of ignorance and self-absorption, you really shouldn’t be allowed around food.

Yeti tracks found in Nepal!

Well, that’s pretty exciting. It would be great to get one of those here, but I won’t get my hopes up. Even in May, it’s probably too cold for the abominable snowman in these parts.

Look away, I’m hideous

So, a certain wife double dog dared me to skip my usual flat-top haircut and to let it grow out. Challenge accepted, missy! The problem is that for the past week or so, I’ve been out in the world looking a lot like a Chia pet riding around at the top of a mop handle. I mean, with my hair growing straight up the way it does, when I go racing toward crime scenes, I resemble a garden rake that has sprouted legs and a giant nose. It actually scares children and old people. Dogs run away screeching in horror and plants fall dead in their pots. Kind of fun, actually.


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