‘Could L-A be future home to a scorpion farm?’
That’s a real headline from Wednesday’s paper. What, are you people drunk? It’s like you’ve never seen a B horror movie starring William Shatner and Roddy McDowall. Put your little scorpion farm next to the wrong mill or toxic waste dump and BAM! Next thing you know, Lewiston-Auburn is the home of monstrously large insects capable of capturing entire city blocks in their mandibles of death. Someone’s gonna need to add an exclamation point to the city motto to transform it into a proper horror movie title. “It’s happening here!” starring Patrick Dempsey as the beleaguered protagonist trying to pedal his fancy bicycle away from an army of 90-foot arachnids.

The first to die
I have it on good authority that some woefully misguided person has been using a city-owned trash can as a toilet near the corner of Pine and Bartlett streets in Lewiston. Man, good luck trying to flee giant scorpions when you’re squatting on a garbage can with your pants around your ankles.

Free for the taking
My eye in the sky downtown (seriously, I’ve got to get her a better nickname) reports seeing, on Bates Street, a pickup truck filled with garbage, scrap metal and . . . human remains! An entire intact skeleton, in fact. Miss No Nickname surmises that the skeleton was just a cheap Halloween decoration but who really knows? People throw away the darndest things.

Don’t mess with kids. Or fiddleheads
In Lisbon, a woman reports that a couple stole 25 pounds of fiddleheads her 4- and 6-year-old sons had labored long and hard to pick themselves. If true, that’s weasel behavior right there. The weasels in question were ultimately tracked down after a very large posse assembled on Facebook and efforts were underway to get the couple to pay up. People have suggested all sorts of potential punishments for the culprits. Frankly, I think they should be forced to eat all 25 pounds of fiddleheads in one sitting without salt, pepper, butter or vinegar. That’ll learn ya.

He said, she said
In Lewiston, a man and woman were reported to be having a screaming argument and car chase, first in the parking lot at Rite-Aid and then later in the lot at Shaw’s. Hey, choosing a pharmacy is hard. I imagine marriages have broken up before over the whole Osco vs. Walgreens debate.

Stay down, champ. It’s not your night.
In Lewiston, it seems there have been an unusual number of reports lately of people lying in the streets for no good reason. Before long, I expect to see a tired dude walking around with a yellow stripe up his back. Those line painters don’t stop for nothing.

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