Bird brained
While I was riding my motorcycle up Walnut Street in Lewiston the other day, a pigeon swooped right down at me totally unprovoked. For a horrifying second or two, there were flapping pigeon wings and two beady little eyes right in my face. I wasn’t injured in the attack but the pigeon said some hurtful things before he flapped away.

You didn’t see nothing
Does it seem like I’m always on Walnut Street to you? Just you mind your own beeswax about it, what do you say?

The circle of life
A nice lady named Nancy called to ask the burning question: “Where have all the onion rings gone?” Boy, how many times have we all asked ourselves that question in the middle of the night when sleep is hard to come by? First, according to a distraught Nancy, Cole Farms in Gray stopped offering those golden rings. Then other places followed suit and now you can hardly find them anywhere. Presumably, poor Nancy is forced to get her fix on the onion ring black market, which we all know is a dangerous circle. We wish her luck. Crispy, deep-fried luck.

So nice they said it twice
I also got a voicemail in which a female voice said “no” twice before hanging up without explanation. It’s weird how every girl I’ve ever asked to dance found my phone number.

Spot remover on my dog
A couple weeks ago it was George Carlin. This week, I SWEAR I saw funny man Steven Wright moping down Pine Street in Lewiston. Boy, we have a lot of celebrities here.

Veni, vidi, vici
There should be some law declaring that in heat 85 degrees or above, nobody should be required to wear long pants at work. At the paper, we have some lame rule banning shorts during the work day. After studying the employee manual at length, though, I’ve discovered that there is no rule at all pertaining to togas, tutus or hula skirts. It’s going to be a fun week.

Off with their heads!
So, apparently some city worker lopped the heads off a bunch of parking meters on Park Street in Lewiston. Those meters and I have a long history, mostly involving my car getting towed away for unpaid tickets. Every time it happened, I could hear those meters snickering amongst themselves. It’s a pity they had to pay someone to behead the things. I would have done it for free with my Ryobi cordless reciprocating saw. Who’s laughing NOW, meter army?


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