A medicine for melancholy
One night last week in Lewiston, a dude was reported to have stolen sugar, coffee, creamer and a box of Hot Pockets from 7-Eleven before racing out the door, fleeing off into the darkness. If the fellow had taken the time to steal a banana or something, he might have swiped his way right across the four food groups. I’m pretty sure if you’re caught stealing a healthy, well-balanced meal, they have to let you go. It’s, like, a law or something.

The dragon who ate his tail
Of course, I could be wrong. I’m one of those who considers potato chips a vegetable and a strawberry pop-tart a serving of fruit. And those little Swedish fish? That’s seafood, which is good for your brain. How do you think I became so intelijent?

Something wicked this way comes
Have you driven over the south bridge between Lewiston and Auburn lately? They’ve got half of it curtained off, they SAY because they’re sandblasting it. I think it’s more likely that they’re conducting diabolical experiments to cross humans with river eels, but whatever. Riding across the bridge sort of feels like cruising through a carnival fun house. No matter how many times I pass that way, I’ll always be disappointed when no leering clown or gibbering goblin jumps out of from behind the curtains to scare me. I mean, come on, sand blasters. If you’re going to mess up the bridge all summer long, you might as well make it fun for the rest of us. I’d kind of like to get a look at one of those eel people, too.

The Exiles
And while we’re on the subject of law, for the love of God don’t forget to post your balloon photos on social media during the festival this weekend. You know the drill. When it’s Balloon Festival season in Lewiston and Auburn, every citizen is required to post at least one balloon photo or face expulsion from the city. I know a guy who was banished to Pownal because he chose to post photos of his loved ones instead of the Yogi Bear balloon. That’s just outlaw behavior right there. He was additionally sentenced to a year of posting photos of snow on his deck after every storm.

One more for the road
In a grocery store parking lot in Lewiston the other day, I happened upon a pair of men’s underpants next to a crumpled up pack of Winstons. I’d warn you that smoking is bad for your health, but dude. You lost your underpants in a grocery story parking lot. You’ve got bigger problems.

 


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