WHY AM I SHOUTING??

What’s with the cops lately sending out press releases in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS! Doesn’t matter what the nature of the news is, either. If it’s an unhinged killer with a hook for a hand on the loose, they’ll REPORT IT IN ALL CAPS! If it’s a shoplifting at a (yawn) dollar store, THAT GETS CAPITAL LETTERS TOO, so that a HARDWORKING AND HANDSOME REPORTER SUCH AS MYSELF can’t tell at a glance whether it’s GIGANTIC, IMPORTANT NEWS or TEENY WEENY NEWS BARELY WORTH A BRIEF. Which is annoying enough, but it also means that old handsome and hardworking can’t simply copy and paste that press release and move on with his VERY BUSY DAY!

Woof?

In Lewiston, there was a report of a car with a dog barking like a horse. I’m not completely clear whether the dog was barking like a horse, the driver was barking like a dog or the horse was barking like a car. It’s all very confusing and unsettling. The only way to sort that kind of thing out is to follow them all home and see which one chases the mailman, which one poops in the yard and which one barks at you IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS to get off his lawn!

Who’s the real king, anyway

While I was down at the balloon festival this weekend, I heard a lot of people mumbling, babbling and generally wondering if there would be an Elvis balloon this year. This has always baffled me. Why does Elvis get all the love? Why is there not a Keith Richards or Jim Morrison balloon? Not that I would ride in either of those, mind you. They get waaay too high.

There’s mischief afeet

Also during all the balloon festival hubbub, a dude in feety pajamas was reported to be sitting on a sidewalk curb in downtown Lewiston, holding a rope and looking spaced out. I don’t care what time of day it is or what the weather is like. If I hear a report featuring someone in feety pajamas, I’m there. Unfortunately the feety fellow was gone when I arrived and attempts to track him were unsuccessful, inasmuch as he was wearing feety pajamas, which leave no prints at all. It’s just part of their awesomeness.

Ah, sweet mystery of life at last I’ve found you

So the Case of Queen Anne’s Mystery Painter in Auburn has been solved. In fact, it was solved within minutes of the story hitting the streets. I mean, come on. I had planned to milk this one for weeks. It’s like Sherlock Holmes was just starting to fill his pipe when a red-faced Watson came bursting in the door to spew all the answers to the caper at hand. I mean, sheesh. At least you could wait until Sherlock has put his pants on. Follow up story WILL BE COMING SOON!


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