We’ve all been there

Somewhere in Lewiston last week came a report over the scanner of a man “running around naked and causing issues.” And just like that, I have a new title for my autobiography.

The beautiful people

Somewhere else in Lewiston, a burglary in progress was reported. The caller described the culprits as three men, each of them “tall, skinny and ugly.” Police rushed to the scene and found a trio of guys climbing out of a window with TVs, jewelry and other loot, but they were handsome fellas so they had to let them go.

That ain’t workin’

Sometime last week, a nice woman sent along congratulations to me for rising from “simple humor columnist to actual news reporter.” Thanks, milady. I owe this rocket ship rise in status to hard work, a strong back and I take Geritol every day. Ah, who am I kidding? My career has been one long defiance of the Peter Principle – I found my level of incompetence right out of the gate and I haven’t budged since. Also, just because people laugh at everything I write, doesn’t make it a humor column.

Money is no object

I appreciate all the inquiries, but no. I didn’t buy the Kansas City Royals as they went up for sale last week. I TRIED to buy them, but those skinflints wouldn’t take a post-dated, four-party check written on a cocktail napkin.

Cover your hind parts

Over the course of the week, I’ve had many an intellectual discussion with wise people trying to help me come up with alternate words for the human buttocks. We got “fanny” and “heinie” covered in last week’s Talk of the Town, so now my brain trust and I are in hot pursuit of even better terms. You people are so lucky to have us doing this important work. You don’t even know.

Child of the corn

For a month now, I’ve been desperately homesick for Aroostook County, where in July I spent the better part of a week riding the narrow dirt roads through corn, potato and canola fields. Since I can’t ride to The County every day, I’m looking for a cornfield locally I can ride through. In exchange for access to your fields, I’ll serve as the best scarecrow you’ve ever had. I’ll even wear a straw hat and prance along a yellow brick road if that’s what you want. Although, if you HAVE a yellow brick road, I’d kind of like to ride that, as well.

Golly gee whiz, fellas

Was in Hannaford the other day when a teenage girl dropped her phone while racing down the chip aisle. I imagine a dropped phone is calamity for a teen, but when the thing clattered against the floor, all the lass said was “Shucks!” It was almost quaint. I imagine “Shucks!” is what freckle-faced Joanie Cunningham sputtered when she dropped her phone, too.

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