The big fizz

Saw a delivery guy drop two cases of boss-sized soda bottles in front of a store on Walnut Street in Lewiston. Coca-Cola, mostly, and you could hear the bottles fizzing angrily as they rolled across the sidewalk. I waited breathlessly to see if a Mentos delivery guy would come along and drop HIS load, but no such magic happened. The wait continues.

The most wonderful time of the year

Welp, it happened. I got an anonymous Christmas card in the mail. Santa Claus on the front, and inside the hand-scrawled message: “You’ve come a long way in a year. You should be proud of yourself.” What? What long way? I’ve barely moved over the past year. And on an enclosed postcard from Aroostook County: “Thank you for visiting us. You were a gentleman.” I was a gentleman? That seems like something you’d say to someone who has visited your brothel in a well-behaved manner. I suppose maybe I DID visit a brothel while I was up north. Why not? It’s Christmas after all.

Don’t forget to wear a helmet

In Lewiston, a kid was reported to be pushing a lawnmower up Crowley Road and swearing at people who were driving by. Well, you can hardly blame the little dude for being upset. He asked Santa for a new bicycle, got a stupid Toro push mower instead and now the other kids are going to make fun of him as they wheel their Schwinns and Huffys to school. Kids can be so cruel.

Say what?

So because I completely suck at texting, I’ve been using the speech-to-text function. Turns out I suck at that, too. The other day I reported to my wife that I’d be late coming home because I was out “at a big bite” downtown. And I can’t tell you how my words were misconstrued when I texted a colleague that I was at a suspicious incident on Birch Street. I mean, I’d LIKE to tell you, but my editors won’t let me. Suffice it to say, the message read like a Penthouse Forum letter.

You’re dead to me

On Friday night in Auburn, a harried Burger King worker called police to report a group of people fighting in a car while going through the drive-through. Boy, a lot of friendships are left in tatters over the whole original vs. grilled chicken sandwich controversy. Entire families have been torn asunder! Why? Because the grilled chicken just ain’t right, that’s why. I don’t even know who you ARE anymore.

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