A block what, now?

Pine Street in Lewiston is always clogged with traffic and pedestrians, but it’s really getting out of hand now. On Wednesday afternoon, I rode up there on my bike and there were at least 500 people jamming the streets, crowding onto sidewalks and even tossing balls at some poor soul they’d imprisoned inside some cage full of water. The humanity! And what’s more, they were celebrating this mass unruliness with hot dogs and hamburgers cooked on grills they set up right in the middle of the street! Some were even holding balloons and having their faces painted to affirm their tribal natures. It was madness, I tell you! I saw at least 350 incidents of jaywalking and it’s all going into my report, mister. I don’t know what happened to that poor fellow in the water prison. I’m just going to go ahead and presume he drowned.

Hands free driving

Yeah, we’ll see about that. Riding around on my motorcycle, I see more drivers with phones and tablets in front of their faces than drivers who are paying attention to the road ahead. I’ll never understand those people. What is on their phones that’s so fascinating that they’ll indulge while zipping through busy intersections? Facebook? Ain’t nothing that interesting on Facebook, fool. InstaWhat’sIt? Those photos will still be there when you get home, chump. Porno? Geesh, dude. Get help.

Say what?

I’ll never understand how people can text while driving, either. You can put me in a quiet room with zero distractions, set me up with a virtual keyboard the size of a piano and I STILL wouldn’t be able to text out a coherent message. The other day, I tried to write my brother that I was thinking about reading “Interview with the Vampire.” Instead, my stupid text reported that I was going to read “Interview with a Canoe.” What a boring book THAT would be. “So . . . how many hours of the day are you actually OUT of the water?”

Busted

You know what I’ve been into lately? Security cameras. Not because I have anything of great value to steal – that collection of vintage codpieces has sentimental value only – but because top-of-the-line technology has become affordable seemingly overnight. Name a place in or around my house and I probably have a camera set up there. NOW we’ll see about a certain wife’s claims that she never went anywhere near my last can of Vienna sausages.

Smoking banned in Lewiston parks

I don’t know how you’re going to catch butt fiends in the act. Cigarettes can be flicked pretty far, you know. Instead, they’re going to have to send some rookie cop out there to approach suspected smokers and say “Awright, punk. Let me smell your breath.” Do they even teach that at the academy?


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