The great sushi recall of 2019

Apparently stores are recalling sushi because of possible listeria contamination. A pity for you weirdos who actually like that stuff. I’ve only tried it once, but I can offer this advice. If you find yourself jonesing for sushi and your regular dealer won’t hook you up, get yourself a dead fish, carry it around in your armpit for about a week and then wrap it in a piece of cabbage pulled from a dumpster. That won’t taste quite as bad as actual sushi, but it will get you through.

Veggies to play at Fastbreaks

I’ve heard the local classic rock band The Veggies are just awesome. But when I first saw this headline in the paper, I imagined a carrot, a string bean and a celery stalk huddled around a table and shooting pool at a bar. This startled me because, A: I thought the hallucinations had ended, and B: I lost a whole lot of money one time to a celery stalk who turned out to be a classic hustler out of Detroit. Man, I hate getting swindled by salad ingredients, especially this close to Thanksgiving.

Hairy Pie to play at Mixers

I’ve heard this ’80s and ’90s band is just awesome. But when I first saw this headline in the paper, I imagined . . . Well, just you never mind what I imagined. It would appear as though the hallucinations are definitely back.

Yin and yang

Well, since you shamelessly begged me for more information about my beleaguered Ford Ranger and the three catalytic converters that were stolen off it, I’ll tell you the latest. One day after I wrote a column about the weasling weasels who committed the theft, I heard from a whole bunch of people. Dozens of them are helping with an investigation to find said weasel. Seriously, these people were born to sleuth. Several others had advice on how to repair the exhaust system as cheaply as possible, while two people, strangers to me, offered to pay for those repairs out of their own pockets. I couldn’t accept those offers, of course, but I tell you. What has been repaired, somewhat, is my faith in humanity. I mean, there are a lot of terrible people out there, we all know that. But for every bad guy loose in the world, it seems there are at least 10 good ones. You just gotta keep the bad ones from crawling under your truck.

Let us give thanks for what we are about to ‘offer up’

Hope you yahoos had a warm and restful Thanksgiving. Me, I had to work, so I said my grace over Spam straight from the can with a side of vending machine Zagnut and a pretzel I found on some other reporter’s desk. Hey, you don’t need a big, lavish meal to be thankful. Even mystery meat and a purloined pretzel is enough to do the trick. In fact, I was extra thankful that it wasn’t sushi.

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