That’s what SHE said

For years I’ve been complaining that when I’m sent to cover school committee meetings at Auburn City Hall, I can’t hear a thing that’s being said in that weird room with its freakishly high ceilings. No matter who’s talking and no matter what it’s about, they all sound like the school teacher from “Peanuts” to me. Mwap ma mwap mwap mwap, the superintendent told the class. So Wednesday night, I sauntered into City Hall (I’m trying to saunter more) and grabbed a seat in the front row. The speaker started talking and almost immediately, three dozen people began to loudly complain that they couldn’t hear anything as the words flew out of the speaker’s mouth and headed straight for the rafters. So, the City Hall people had to run off and fetch a gigantic microphone from some secret supply office. The thing was yuge. I believe it’s the same mic Metallica used the first time they debuted “Enter Sandman.” Worked real nice. So take that! It’s not me going deaf, Auburn City Hall, it’s you! I’m still going to get one of those cool hearing cones, though, because it will make for a nice fashion accessory to go with my new saunter.

I’m ascairt 

Also at the Auburn City Hall meeting, a very nice lady approached me and asked, “Aren’t you the guy who’s afraid of Madawaska?” At least that’s what I THINK she said. Who can tell in that building? Maybe she actually said, “Please move, idiot. You’re sitting on my child.”

Oxford Hills native in ‘Naked and Afraid’ 

You’d think they’d snag candidates for that show out of Lewiston. People are always naked in Lewiston and most of the time, they’re afraid. So are the rest of us who have to look at them, for that matter. Maybe I’ll start my own TV show. Feel free to apply for a part, but please. No video clips.

Aroma Joe’s coming to Sabattus Street 

That’s good for coffee lovers in Lewiston. Just make sure you don’t accidentally stumble into Aroma Bob’s a few doors down. They don’t sell coffee and it’s a completely different kind of aroma. You won’t make that mistake twice.

Auburn mayor going to White House

Good for Jason Levesque. He’s a pretty cool cat, that one. Wears some darn spiffy chapeaus when he’s out and about. I tried classing things up with a chapeau of my own, but it kept falling off when I got to sauntering.

Pa rum pa pum pum 

For no apparent reason, I suddenly feel like I should get myself a drum kit. We’re talking high toms, snare drum, crash cymbals, bass drum and whatever else I can hit with the sticks. Not sure why I’m telling you this, but if you live in the greater Lewiston area, or parts of Lisbon, Greene and Sabattus, you’re probably going to know it eventually if I start playing the drums.