Since buying Mr. Bag Lady throwing stars for Christmas, inspired by some Mark LaFlamme-style ax throwing, I’ve landed on a most colorful mailing list.

In the past two months, I’ve received compelling pitches for butterfly knives, a concealed umbrella sword and, most curiously, a “split blade neck knife” described as a “hidden threat from your neck to someone else’s spleen.”

Let’s just pause for a beat to reread and ponder.

Metro Creative

Now, Bag Lady has a neck fold or three, but none foldable enough to conceal an entire knife, so perhaps it’s an artfully disguised, never-mind-those-serrated-edges necklace? And . . . am I lunging? Just how am I contorting myself to de-spleen an attacker?

So many questions! And I hope one of the answers is a deadly necklace! Only one way to get to the bottom (er, bosom?) of it.

This week, we shop for teeny tiny spleen-thirsty knives!

. . .

OK, not really.

That would be simultaneously amazing and awful, and Shopping Siren surely would. Not. Have. It.

But it could have been worse.

We nearly went belt shopping

And maybe we should have, because Bag Lady totally needs one.

I broke my last belt this week, which made me reflect upon the fact that I haven’t purposely purchased a belt in a solid 20-plus years. Seems I’ve spent a lifetime wearing belts that come with dress pants and jeans. (Which begs the question, do belts even come with pants anymore? Not sure how badly I’m dating myself here . . .)

Belts are such a highly personal thing: Black or brown? Pleather? Chain-link? Do you buy determined to lose weight? Or do you give yourself a handful of spots to grow on, get immediately depressed, put the belt down and head straight for Dairy Queen?

No way was Bag Lady ready to drag you through that minefield.

But still, it could have been worse.

We almost shopped for poop.

The women behind Tirdy Works are getting their own TV show! They hit excrement gold with a viral video in 2018 featuring their shellacked moose doo artistry and later this year will get a reality TV show on TruTV.

Again, let’s just pause for a beat. Reread. Ponder.

Go Maine ingenuity!

This week I went to the Tirdy Works website for the first time and was immediately at a rare loss for words. There’s virtually no way to describe the full array of hilarious, awe-inspiring, what-am-I-looking-at items and to do them justice, while at the same time keeping you, dear reader, from choking on your Cheerios.

If there’s a lesson to be learned amidst the poopsicles, sh** kabobs and pouy buoys — see what I’m saying?? — it’s that no idea is too wild if you’ve got that magical mix of luck, grit and poop.

A tip of my neck knife to them.

Bag Lady’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who would bolt at the sight of a moose) and the customer service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at [email protected]

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