Incredibly bent

Hate to be keep complaining about this, but it’s getting really tough filling this space when all the news is about one thing and all the news is bad. I’ve been looking for alternatives for this column space in the interest of keeping the three people who read it entertained. I’ve suggested that I transition this space into a compilation of funny limericks but my editors got all weird when I presented the one about the guy from Kent.

We’ll have none of that

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but here is yet another sad list of arbitrary things that have been canceled due to the many perils of coronavirus. Please plan accordingly: the full moon, left handedness, the Fu Manchu, lucid dreaming, hula hoops, woo pitching, fireflies, the aurora borealis, the infield fly rule, spelunking, sea monkeys, yodeling, rock skipping, skipping to one’s loo, piggy backs, haikus, Mount Rushmore, Elvis impersonators, John Travolta, hoop earrings, nom de plumes, kielbasa, June 19th, silly putty, saying ‘that’s what SHE said’ in any context, Connect Four, hazelnut coffee, the lotus position, boxer briefs, Cobb salad, weather vanes and eventually gravity.

Tom Brady denies rift

What we have here is one of them rift-deniers.

Norway woman encounters bear on walk

Wait, who was on a walk? The woman? The bear? Both? Reminds me of the time a friend of mine shot a bear in his underpants.

Lewiston taking community pulse on graduation

I appreciate the pickle they’re in, but I just hate it when some stranger walks up, grabs my wrist and starts counting my heartbeats. Seriously, bro. No dinner and a movie first or anything like that? People nowadays. I dunno.

Word play

Just to be clear here, the bear was wearing the underpants, not my friend. He was wearing chinos.

Vroom on, my little friend

Was prowling the empty Colisee parking lot the other day when a kid of about 5 or 6, under the watchful eye of his parents, went whizzing by on a minibike. Back and forth he went across the empty lot, and my God, that boy looked happy. It occurred to me that the boy was the kind of happy that only a kid on a minibike can achieve. I was on my own grown-up motorcycle at the time, and I do have great times on that beast, but man how I envied that lad in his pure, uncomplicated glee.

Mary Kate Olsen and Olivier Sarkozy divorcing after 5 years of marriage

My friend, I am just as shocked and upset by this as you are. I really thought those crazy kids had a chance.

More stuff you can’t do

Sorry. Late breaking additions to the list: tap dancing, tuna melts, hairless cats, referring to soda as “pop,” air guitar, bubble blowing, frisbee spinning and sandwiches cut diagonally are no longer allowed. Change your ways, heathen.

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