The struggle is real
So, since this whole crisis began, I’ve been unable to find chocolate graham crackers at the stores. This makes no sense at all to me, but of course, neither did the Great Toilet Paper Panic that will confound historians for centuries to come. I also found that in the early days of the crisis, it was next to impossible finding popping corn anywhere. To me this reveals a startling fact: A lot of you weirdos out there have the same late night eating habits as I do. Don’t be surprised if the next great war is fought over crackers and popcorn. And also an occasional hunk of Swiss cheese, because that’s also good at 3 a.m.

Godzilla returns!
Godzilla is just a tortoise, as it turns out, but when I first read this headline, I feared the worst. I mean, come on. Would anyone really be surprised at this point if a giant, fire-breathing lizard came stomping through the downtown? In this kind of year, it could happen at any time. Just remember to wear your mask and you’ll be fine.

83 degrees of wahoo!
Thursday, May 21. Pure sunshine with temps in the 80s and just the faintest of breezes blowing in all the glorious smells of spring you’ve been dreaming about all through the long, cruel winter. That was the day, Mac. If I could freeze the calendar, that was when I would have hit the button and made it happen. Just to be clear to the gods above, though, I only wanted the meteorological components of that day, and none of the other crap. Please make a note on my order form.

Unsigned letters are the saddest things
I got a really great letter through snail mail from a woman who bemoans the fact that even with all this new free time on her hands, she hasn’t been able to learn any new skills like others have done. “I’m a dinosaur,” the letter begins. “I have a laptop that I can’t make do anything I want it to do, so it sits on the shelf gathering dust.” It’s ironic because as the writer goes on for four pages about how she doesn’t have any special gifts, it happens to be one of the most eloquent and cleverly crafted letters I’ve ever received. Really sweet penmanship, too. You know what? I think I need to write a full-length column about this letter. Just forget I said anything here today and act surprised when the column comes out.


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