East bound and down

So “Smokey and the Bandit” was playing at the drive-in this week, but I was working and couldn’t go. It’s a real bummer, too, because not only is the movie a blast, but afterward, you get to watch all the dorky moviegoers, amped up by the Bandit’s driving antics, trying to emulate their hero’s moves on the way out of the theater parking lot. Ain’t nothing more entertaining than some guy in a Prius trying to drive like he’s in a Trans Am. Try so much as spinning your tires in any car made after 2005 and you’ll be immediately shut down by the Automatic Emergency Braking, Lane Departure Warnings and about 15 other features that beep, bonk, apply the brakes and take all of the fun out of driving. It’s like having your mom along.

Wait!

Bandit DID drive a Trans Am, right? If it was actually a Camaro, I’m going to get blistered by the gearheads.

Yeet!

This new word is taking the nation by storm, so you better learn its many uses and incorporate it often in your daily conversations. What does it mean? No one knows! That’s what makes it so fun and versatile. It can be used as an exclamation of displeasure, as in: “Yeet! An editor finally figured out that I’ve been reporting from a bar stool in Florida ever since the work-from-home thing went into effect.” It can be used to describe great joy as in: “Yeet! My results came back negative!” It can be used as a noun, a verb or one of those transitive dangling gerunds the cool kids are using these days. Hell, use it as a sound effect, no one will care. Now, yeet your butt onto the bar stool next to me and let’s get yeet-faced.

Check me out!

Speaking of being wicked excited: Shaw’s in Lewiston now has self-checkouts. This is a real game changer, because ain’t nobody got time to stand in line these days. So, I went back to the store for the first time in months, juggled an armful of loot across the store (I’m too stupid to grab a basket on the way in) and then made for the self-checkout lanes. Such joy. Such a sense of self-sufficiency. And then I almost immediately screwed something up and got the “please wait for assistance” message, which is — let’s face it — the most deflating, demasculinating message in the world. It might as well just flash: “Unexpected loser in bagging area” or “Can’t you do anything right?” across the screen.


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