You good people must be almost used to my way of thinking by now. The beginning of this little story is a bit dirty and may offend some of you. If it does, this is the reason I type the warning firstest. You can then just delete, erase, or burn this little story. As I sit here in my brand spanking new chair, what you do will have little effect on my day. I just hope you have the courage to read the full story. Well here goes.

I got my yearly letter from the health insurance company suggesting I need to do about ten things to check up on my health. They expressed such concern and interest that I stay healthy. Of course, I had to suggest to them, the only reason they want me to stay healthy is so I do not cost them any money. You see, they get almost two hundred dollars a month from me and they want to keep all that money. So, they pay this expensive expert to send me letters to convince me to follow their suggestions. This sets the tone for what is to come next. They sent me this cool tiny little fancy envelope and wanted a sample of my stool. (this is the dirty part), Well being the nice guy I am I went about the house and took lots of pictures of my stools. Foot stool, bar stool, I even went out into the forest and took a picture of a toad stool. This is just to show them how concerned I was about my health. I hoped this would satisfy them. I put the pictures in that fancy little envelope and sent them off to their office. I then studied some of their other suggestions. They wanted me to make an appointment so someone could analyze my gate. This presents quite a problem. You see I ain’t got no gate. I politely informed them of this particular problem. I suggested if they wanted, I suppose I could go build a gate. But it would not be that fancy. The next thing they wanted to know was my health and wellness education. This is one of the scary but funny parts of my learning. You see, I learned a lot of stuff when I was younger. Some stuff was learned out behind the barn. I learned what not to smoke and what not to say while I was in kindergarten. It sure did contribute a lot to my health and wellness by not doing some of that stuff. But ya know that is how I learned what not to do. How does a kid in kindergarten learn what not to do if they don’t do it? Some I learned real quick just by that threat I heard a lot. They were either gonna beat some smarts into me or beat the truth out of me. I just had to learn the difference between what was smart and what was the truth to stay healthy. There was a lot of stuff I learned that I decided not to tell the insurance experts. I was afraid they would send someone to take me to the funny farm again. I must say here though folks. That is the one place I stayed for a while that conversations about politics actually made sense. You could walk away from many gatherings and readily say without any repercussions that those folks are absolutely crazy. I decided it was best to not give them too much information about this part of my life journey. I typed out what I wanted them to know and sent it on with the pictures.

It was not long before I got a letter back suggesting I do something about my cognitive abilities. I tell yas, I had to look that up. Being the farm boy, wood cutter, has been that I am, I wanted to get this right. I didn’t want to offend any of those learned folks who were concerned with my health. After my second cup of coffee, (the first one was just to wake up) I logged into Bing and asked the question about how to improve my cognitive abilities. Putting this into my own words it would go like this. I needed to learn how to sound smart when I talked and write stories. Now, the trees, they don’t care. Heck, they don’t even care if I swear. My problem was when I had to deal with those “learned” folks that want to keep my money. Well ole Bing had lots of suggestions. There was just no way I could do all of them at once without getting tired. So, I decided I would try one or two for a month or two then switch to some others for the next two months. Getting a massage, exercise and sleep seemed to be the easiest ones to start with. They even suggested I should move around more than I sit still and take naps. For exercise, now that sister left, I will cut and split the firewood, pile it and carry in when necessary. I will also have to shovel the snow by myself when it gets here next month. After that, I will surely take a nap. I figured if I cut and split wood for twenty minutes, I could take a nap for ten minutes. That would satisfy that part. I will have to leave you good people hanging here for now. I haven’t yet decided on that massage part. If I give myself a massage while living alone, people will surely talk. I enjoy too much living alone to have a nice lady come by once in a while to walk up and down on my spine. I have had enough folks stomp on me already. The ole body just does not like trying to do some of that contortionist stuff anymore. Heck, just forcing the body to bend over rules out any of that back-massage stuff. But I may try to nail the special, back massage tool to a post then just back up against it like a big ole bear would do. You know that just might work. I could get a massage and exercise all in one. Ya see my cognitive ability has already improved. I keep wondering though why those “learned folks” keep saying “Oh, oh, here it is again”. “Another letter from that guy in Rangeley.”

Ya have a most fine day now folks. Enjoy before the snow gets here. Ken White COB

A certified health nut.

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