Does this look soiled to you?

So, I got one of them new-fangled washing machines so I no longer have to clean my duds bi-monthly by beating them against a rock. I was glancing at the instructions and the associated 30 pages of dire warnings and couldn’t help notice that they included: “Do not place non-laundry objects in the washing machine including food or animals.” I understand that somewhere in the world, some poor fool probably decided to spiff up his gerbil by tossing it in with the whites, but who exactly is putting food into a washing machine and why? “Dang it, my Hot Pocket fell on the floor. I guess I better toss it into the Maytag to make it edible again.” You know, now that I word it that way, it doesn’t sound like such a terrible idea.

Meep, Meep

I also got one of them fancy key fobs for my hulking and surly Nissan Titan. Dealer wanted $150 for one of the things, my wife got me one for five bucks on eBay. Now when I’m returning from the grocery store, I can use the fob to make that impressive “MEEP MEEP” unlock sound that signals to the rest of the world that I am a successful and immensely important type of fellow. I can also look down on the rest of you poor wretches who are still using archaic keys to get into your vehicles. Rubes.

The lord giveth…

Got a fancy new fob, yes, but at the same time, I lost power to my passenger side window and, wouldn’t ya know it? The window was in the down position at the time. It’s some cosmic law or something. Dealership wanted 700 %[email protected]# bucks to fix it. Fixed it myself, instead, using one three-foot chunk of wood and a tarp clip. Window won’t go down anymore, but that’s OK. I just won’t drive by anything interesting on that side of the truck from now on. If you plan on doing something interesting in the future, please move around to the driver’s side of my truck. Much appreciated.

Meep, meep, swish, swish

Also, if my fob gets dirty, I can just toss it into the washing machine. The instructions didn’t mention key fobs at all, so clearly it’s OK.

Crime in Maine declines and so can you

Well, yeah. Nobody’s going out, which means that burglars have nowhere to burgle, pickpockets have nothing to pick, and stick-up men can’t discern who’s a robber and who’s a potential victim because everyone is wearing a mask. It’s a tough time for hoodlums in general, I reckon. To stay in shape, you have to go after the smaller caliber crimes, like smoking on Lisbon Street, going to church during COVID or saying something vile on social media. You probably won’t get sent to the county clink like you’re used to, but you can at least spend a little time in Facebook jail.

A very muddy Christmas

It rained instead of snowing on Christmas. You know what that means: It’s time to play one more round of “Well, at least it isn’t snowing,” a game I hope we continue to play right into May. Unfortunately, the torrential rain prevented me from delivering that VERY IMPRESSIVE AND EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE gift I got for you. I’m sorry, but with all those powerful electronics and that really sleek paint job, it just wasn’t possible. In accordance with the “thought that counts” rules of holiday etiquette, I get credit for it, anyway. Please make sure to mark it down in your little book.

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