Man, this is a rough time of year for writing this column. In this space I like to describe things that I see happening out on the streets, but you know what’s happening out there right now? Whole lot of nuttin. People hustling down sidewalks, their hands stuffed deep in pockets for warmth. Kids hitting snowbanks with sticks (‘snowbank hitting,’ we used to call it. We were very unimaginative kids). Even the random nakedness for which downtown Lewiston is notorious is at an all-time low right now. These are bleak times, my friends. I may have to start including recipes in this slot.

Pineapple tart squares

First you cut your pineapple into tidy, bite-sized squares, sprinkle them with . . . Ha ha ha! Did you really think I was going to list a recipe here? Man, you’ll fall for anything!

Let’s talk about our feelings

Maybe we could use this opportunity to create some kind of support forum, a place to share our regrets, our frustrations and our hopes for a better world. A place in which we can discuss our many miserable failings and untold inadequacies without shame or . . . Ha! I got you again! You really DO need a support group!

Although . . .

I really would like to talk about my miserable failings and untold inadequacies sometime. Whew! Where to begin?

Twin City Thunder loses to Jersey Hitmen

Wait, Jersey Hitmen? Really? Man, that is the coolest name ever. Although to be honest, I’ve spent my fair share of time in Joisey and I never ran into an actual hitman, so I dunno. If you want to base a team name on MY New Jersey reality, then go with the “Newark I’m Sorry, Your Flight Is Delayed Again-sters,” or possibly the “Jersey We Don’t Sell Beer in Stores Here For Some Reason…sters.” Or maybe you just go with the “Garden State Ankle Busters,” based on that incident where I busted my ankle outside a Newark bar under less than romantic circumstances. Although I don’t like to talk about that one so just shut up about it.

Fire at Lewiston marijuana dispensary

After the flames were snuffed out, all the firefighters adjourned to Holy Donut for some reason. Ha! No. I’m making that up. They went to Dunkin’.

‘Lewiston Council condemns Capitol attack’

Well, there. That ought to do it. You can take down all the fences and barbed wire now.

I made it!

I got through another Talk of the Town without a single naked person to write about. Although, if you are a naked person up to no good downtown and I overlooked you, feel free to send angry letters to my editors. Include pics, they like that.

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