People mostly use the word pucker in terms of kissing; you form your lips into a little rosebud before touching them to someone else’s.

Romantic kissing usually doesn’t involve puckering, but polite air kisses and pecks on the cheek do.

In the Army, we used the term ‘pucker factor’ to describe how scary a situation was. Puckering here refers to the tendency people have to tighten, not their lips, but the other end of the alimentary canal when in sudden danger. The scarier it was, the higher the number used.

“We found ourselves cut off behind enemy lines, and the pucker factor suddenly went from zero to ten.”

You don’t have to be in combat to experience this. Hitting a spot of ice while driving can do it. A jolt of fear causes you to tighten your hands on the steering wheel and to clench your butt muscles. We tighten those muscles to prevent the situation from literally scaring the crap out of us.

Circumstances don’t have to be life-threatening to spark this reaction. The stress, say, of being in an important interview can do it. So can hurrying to the bathroom to avoid the embarrassment of a premature number two.

Advertisement

The muscle we tighten in such cases is called the external sphincter muscle. It’s one of two circular, overlapping muscles that control the opening and closing of the anus, thus keeping waste securely inside our digestive track until we are ready to eliminate it. The other muscle is the internal sphincter muscle. For us to poop, both muscles have to relax.

The internal sphincter muscle is involuntary and controlled by our body, which keeps it clinched tight until it feels, uh, the need to do otherwise.

The external sphincter muscle, which surrounds the internal one, is voluntary. It’s controlled by us. We decide to clinch it or not. When our body feels it is time to poop and relaxes the internal sphincter muscle, it is possible that we are not in a socially acceptable place for this to happen. So we tighten the external sphincter as we excuse ourselves and head for the bathroom.

Sudden fear can cause the internal sphincter to relax, which is why we have learned to tighten the external sphincter at such times. The scarier the situation, the tighter the butt clench.

When I heard that machine gun open up, my sphincter was tighter than security at Fort Knox.

Tighter than a pitbull’s jaws on an intruder’s ankle.

Advertisement

As tight as a movie star’s facelift.

As tight as spandex on my Aunt Sally.

As tight as Willie Nelson’s headband.

On the list of things you’re thankful for, you might want to add your external sphincter muscle. In extreme danger or in day-to-day polite society, it gives you an important measure of control.

As we age, our external sphincter can grow weak. Check with your doctor, there are exercises that can help strengthen it. I find that pretending I’m in church and trying hard not to fart is a good one.

Comments are not available on this story.

filed under: