Mark LaFlamme: We’re going to need a bigger parking lot

The Walmart pole is back!
And it is meaner than ever! About a hundred of you helpful and only slightly intoxicated people have sent me the latest pics of pole shenanigans at Walmart. An SUV gobbled up here, a sedan there. In one photo, the lime green shell of the pole has given way to the yellow underneath. Why it’s like a beautiful butterfly emerging from its cocoon. Only, you know. In this case, it’s a murderous butterfly from hell that won’t hesitate to do to your car what Jaws did to Quint in the hideous final scene. Too grisly? I’m sorry, but that pole is out there and if the mayor won’t close the beaches, it’s going to be a bloodbath. Or something.

Again, I apologize
I guess by portraying the pole as a car-eating psychopath, I’m kind of victim blaming. After all, the pole just stands there. It’s not asking for trouble. The trouble comes from whatever mysterious force is flinging all those cars into it. We really need to get Mulder and Scully on this stat!

Speaking of poles
When the wind came a-shrieking through on Wednesday night, local police dispatchers got an estimated five billion calls about a lamp post that blew down on Lisbon Street in Lewiston. It would appear the callers couldn’t agree on exactly what kind of pole had blown down or where it was, so the dispatcher had to keep updating his information as fire crews tried to make their way to the scene of the atrocity. It got so convoluted, I began to suspect the whole matter was, in fact, just the Auburn Walmart pole making a prank call.

Skate with a cop
This event in Auburn was pretty cool. Way better than the “skate with a cop” events I’m used to attending. Those typically involve cops trying to arrest rowdy brawlers on frozen sections of Pine Street in Lewiston.

Jinx!
I think I might have cast a hex over Androscoggin County Sheriff Eric Samson last week. I had suggested that a statue be erected in his honor for finally convincing county commissioners that in 2022, his staff shouldn’t be working in an actual dungeon. Right after that opinion was put forth, the city of Auburn said nope. We don’t want a police station on Center Street. It would bother people trying to buy cars, pot and vape supplies. Or something. So back to the dungeon Samson goes for now. The sheriff might get that statue yet, but chances are good that it’ll stand tall in front of Big Lou’s Mary Jane Boutique or some such.