Safety first
So, while I was on vacation, one of the weirder sights I encountered was a guy walking around in a grocery store with a full-face motorcycle helmet on. Looked like a damn insect moving from aisle to aisle. Later, I watched him struggle at the self-checkout machine, trying to see the screen through his tinted shield. While it was an odd sight and it seemed to be a chore for the dude to get his groceries together, I can report that he suffered no head injuries while doing his shopping. When he was finished with it all, I watched him leave the store and bound bug-like across the parking lot. Guess what! He didn’t have a motorcycle!

Big boy pants
Also while I was on vacation (I was on vacation last week, you know. Thanks for noticing.), I stopped at Range Pond in Poland after a long ride on my motorcycle. But because I’d been riding, I was wearing long pants and, wouldn’t you know it? I didn’t have an extra bathing suit to wear on the beach. I had paid my six bucks to get into the place, though, so I at least wanted to get a little time on the hot sand. Unfortunately, when you wear long pants on a beach in 90-degree weather, people point and laugh and you hear them calling you clever nicknames. For about 20 minutes that Saturday, I was known at Senor Pantalones out there at Range Pond State Park. Which I guess is better than “Senor Desnudo,” as I’m known on a couple other beaches.

My shame is great
For several weeks now I’ve been complaining loudly about all the “Back to School” displays up at the stores. And I stand by my opinion that the people who create those displays are inhumane, buzz-killing monsters. But while I was out riding over the course of the week (during my vacation, you know) I found myself in desperate need of a backpack to carry some stuff and . . . Well, where are you going to get a cheap backpack this time of year? That’s right. At one of those wretched Back to School displays. Got myself a nice Eastsport, with dual bottle holders, for under $20, but now I just feel like a hypocrite. I really let you people down and I apologize.

Sometimes dead is better
A nice lady in Auburn wrote to tell me about some weird rock formations being set up, in the dead of night, in an empty lot near her home. She sent some photos, too, and to me these weird rocks piles look like the cairns from “Pet Sematary.” Went over to investigate for myself, but I couldn’t get close to the rocks on account of all the lurching dogs, hissing cats and that one freaky toddler. This is going to be one humdinger of an interesting case for the animal control officer.

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