Plump crazy
Over the weekend, I had the supreme joy of experiencing a clogged drain in my kitchen. I say it’s joy because when you go out to buy plumbing tools, it’s like going to a toy store. Have you SEEN the stuff that’s out there for this kind of problem? Gadgets that spin and suck, twist and snake, blast water and obliterate sludge. I started with a small drill-powered snake-like thing that promptly broke inside the drain itself. Fortunately, there’s a tool to fix that. I eventually graduated to a bigger, 30-foot sewer auger coiled up within a crank case and the whole thing looked like some kind of bad-ass ray gun. Couple that with a mini-bellows plunger that looks like a megaphone and you’re talking about pretty good fun to be had in the Lowe’s parking lot. I mean, I don’t even care about the clogged drain anymore. I’m not wasting my new toys on that insignificant business.

The power of Lowe’s compels you!
My favorite new clog-busting device, though, is the blow bag, a bladder-type system used to exorcise junk from your pipes using the power of water, blasted with great force through a tiny hole to maximize its impact. I could explain how the blow bag works, but you should just go watch some YouTube videos like I did. I spent HOURS watching this stuff. Hours! More than is healthy, really.

Auburn residents can dispose of bulky wastes for free
Well, la dee da. Good for Auburn residents; ain’t they just so special. Actually, I have nothing much to say about this matter, I really just wanted to get “bulky waste” into my column. If had a few more pounds on me, I’d take it for my street name. “Borderline Emaciated Waste” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Pizza delivery robbery
Seriously, people? Robbing the pizza guy? In my view, this kind of crime ought to be elevated in the courts somehow so it carries extra punishment. I mean, you’re stealing from a dude whose sole intention was to bring you food. It’s almost literally biting the hands that feeds you. Go get a job, fool, because crime doesn’t suit you.

Downeaster riders won’t be able to order alcohol while train is in N.H.
If I were on that train, I’d get out for the New Hampshire stretch and simply run along beside it, swilling my hooch as I go. I mean, it’s not a very big state. Get out and get some exercise, I say! But apparently the state of N.H. has changed its mind about all that already, so never mind. Wake me when we arrive in Florida.

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