Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

Lifestyles of the rich and brainless
The Royal Bank of Canada has informed me, via email, that I have won a Coca-Cola sweepstakes in the amount of $12 meeeeelion dollars! I don’t care if this one landed in my spam folder, I know for sure that THIS time, it’s the real deal. And so once again, I bid adieu to all of you impoverished suckers as I go off to buy islands, mansions and helicopters as part of my new rich, lavish lifestyle. Don’t bother to call me, I’ve already removed your numbers from my phone. We’re just not on the same social strata anymore, peons. Have fun doing poor person stuff.

Prime numbers
I can’t count how many people wrote to express sympathy last week after I lamented the fact that Amazon Prime was now showing ads in their movies. I can’t count them because exactly nobody wrote to express sympathy and it’s very hurtful. But I’ll have you know that I ultimately outwitted Amazon and their stupid ads and all I needed was a laptop, an HDMI cable and really nifty ad blocker software. So take that, Bezos.

Actually . . .
On second thought, don’t tell Bezos I said any of that. In spite of my recent sweepstakes winnings, he probably still has more money than me and he’d know how to find me.

This would be more dramatic in Morse code
According to a bulletin I am just now receiving there are “lots of goats” in Livermore Falls. Authorities would not confirm nor deny that the goats are shooting lasers straight out of their eyes and vaporizing innocent civilians. OK, that last part isn’t true, but the rest is, according to a story that ran in Thursday’s paper. It’s an important story about some important animal issues in Livermore Falls, but I can’t help it. When I read that headline for the first time, I got a “War of the Worlds” vibe and immediately set out to determine how I can best protect myself and my alleged loved ones from this goat invasion. So far, the best I can come up with is to jump up on the roof of my car where the goats can’t reach me. Sign up for my newsletter for further survival tips.

Summer’s almost gone
Welp, my friends, we had a good run. By the time you read this, it will be June and as we all know, with June upon us, the Fourth of July is just around the corner and once the Fourth is here, we’ll start seeing back-to-school posters and Halloween decorations in the stores. Summer is practically over now unless I can find a way to pause time to keep early June from ever passing. I’ve got a pretty good jump on it — I’ve got the HDMI cable AND a Brave browser, so it’s just a matter of finding the right quantum doohickey now. I hope you like your current age because you’re going to be there a long while.

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