Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

Coming soon to a lamp near you
So, I was stomping up my driveway at about two in the morning, thinking deeply or whatever it is I do at those weird hours, when a moth came flapping out of the dark and flew directly into my mouth. He wasn’t in there long, mind you. I spat him out pretty quick and I don’t think the experience was fun for either of us. But now that I reflect on it, I kind of wish I’d swallowed the little bugger if only for the chance that it would’ve transformed me into some kind of mutant winged superhero. Imagine it! The Mothman of Lewiston-Auburn, who flutters around all night doing good deeds, savings lives and occasionally bumping up against street lights. I’d go out and try to run into that moth again, but with my luck, I’d swallow a firefly instead and be transformed into some dorky glow stick.

Why am I always outdoors, anyway?
Speaking of moths, a huuuge one came flapping by my head the other day while I was out in the backyard. Big and brownish, the thing looked like a giant catcher’s mitt as it chased me around the yard. Ain’t no way I’m swallowing that thing. As it turns out, my encounter was likely with a specimen called hyalophora cecropia, which would also be a cool superhero name, but alas, it would take up too much space on my cape, so I’m ditching the idea.

Throwing underhand
So, my right shoulder is just a mess of pain right now and I have no idea why, so I’m just going to make up some story to explain it. What’s more manly sounding to you? That I messed up my shoulder pounding away at the crash cymbals on my drum kit? Or that I blew out my rotator cuff trying to shoo away a big scary moth?

It’s so hooooot
People get all weird when they see me drinking hot coffee in 90-degree-plus weather. But I mean, how else am I going to stay wired on caffeine all day if I’m not drinking this stuff. Iced coffee? No thanks. I’m already a guy who’s scared of moths and who has to throw underhand. What little remains of my manliness cannot afford to take that kind of hit.

I’ll get it back to you after I move some stuff around
Anybody want to loan me $4.9 million so I can buy the Colisee? That place is up for sale so often, I think we finally have to conclude that the joint is haunted. We need to get in there with all the usual ghost hunting accoutrements: EMF meters, EVP recorders, infrared thermometers and one of those cameras that records everything with a spooky green tint. I think if we go about this the right way, we’ll prove once and for all that Nicole Kidman and her kids were the ghosts all along. Make checks payable to me directly.

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