Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

On the wings of love
So, the other night I was walking through my front door when something ginormous brushed past the side of my head and swooped into the house. I think it goes without saying that I reacted to this in a manly fashion. I assumed another bat had flown into the house, but when I crawled out from underneath the table, I noticed that one of my cats had hunted down a rather large moth and was presently eating it. It was pretty gross.

Jumping the net
Some of you may recall that I got thrashed pretty badly the last time I tried to catch an indoor bat, so after the harrowing encounter with the moth-that-could-have-been-a-bat, I went directly to Amazon and bought the biggest, fanciest net I could find. Sucker has a 16-inch mouth, telescoping pole and extra deep netting so, provided I don’t somehow fall into it myself, catching a bat ought to be super easy. I’ll report back on that.

Got ants, too. Inside-the-house ants who run amok like they own the place. The other night my current wife was super psyched to eat some leftover buffalo wings when she discovered that our ten thousand roommates had beaten her to it. It was hilarious! But only because I had already eaten.

High test
You know how they say coffee grounds will repel household ants? Yeah, I tried that and now what I have are creepy crawlers who stay up all night. It’s kind of nice having someone to watch TV with, though.

Suck MY blood, will you?
Also had three ticks on me for no apparent reason. One on my cheek, one on my neck and a third doing the Tick Twist into my leg. We have expert tick removal tools around here, but did you ever try to find one of those tiny things when ticks are actively burying their heads into your flesh? My place looks like it just got ransacked by a full squadron of thieves.

Stop, drop and roll
I also had some hideously long and possibly fanged and poisonous jungle bug creeping up my thigh the other night but that just turned out to be a loose string dangling from my shorts, so I flayed myself and got naked in the backyard for no reason at all. I regret nothing.

Don’t swat me, bro
I was riding down Spruce Street in Lewiston the other day when I caught my own reflection in a window on the other side of Lisbon Street. It occurs to me that with my motorcycle’s upright mirrors and with the goggles and proboscis of my motocross helmet, I look a lot like an insect, myself. I like to think that on occasion, I cause a random stranger to dive under furniture, nude up in the backyard or throw buffalo wings in the trash.

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