Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

My bounty is as boundless as the sea!
Over the Fourth of July holiday I got, not one, but TWO new pairs of Crocs. One pair are actually Crocs while the other are a knockoff brand, but who cares? This is the most versatile footwear in the history of feet so I’ll take them no matter what they’re called. It’s like Shakespeare said: “Crocs by any other name would still get you across the puddle, yo.” Romeo totally wouldn’t have been able to scale that balcony if he wasn’t wearing Crocs.

Foot patrol
I really should stop bragging about my footwear, though. As most of us know, Croc thieves are everywhere this time of year. Police should definitely set up some kind of task force.

I yam who I yam
For many years, I was evasive and opaque about my preference in casual footwear because the public’s hate for Crocs was just too heavy to bear. Now that I’m older — just slightly older, mind you — I’ve decided to lean into my love of Crocs and let the chips fall where they may. You can take my Crocs when you pry them from my cold, dead feet, bros! But I’ll ask you not to because I’d rather like to be buried in them.

Shop ’til you drop
I just know you people are going to badger me for more information about my new Crocs because you secretly want some, too, so I’ll just reveal my source up front. I got these exciting new shoes at a store called Sierra, which I’d never heard of til I was dragged in there by the ear on the Fourth of July. It’s like Dick’s Sporting Goods and TJ Maxx got busy and birthed a superstore. I also got a folding saw and a mint green shirt with palm trees on it, so now I’m totally ready for the barn dance.

This may be my last transmission
So, the other day at around 2:30 in the morning, I stumbled onto the rare sight of road crews painting lines and those big, white arrows onto a Lewiston street. I became very still and watched this forbidden scene only warily. It was like happening upon a mafia transaction or witnessing Santa and the Easter Bunny smoking a doob together behind the mall dumpsters. I don’t think these kinds of things are meant to be seen by mortal eyes and now I fear I’ve seen too much.

It wasn’t me, it was some other guy
Some local guy wrote me the other day to reveal that he had footage of me in my backyard taken with his personal drone back in October. You can imagine my apprehension at hearing this news. As I’ve confessed many times in the past, I do weird stuff in my backyard and I just assume that nobody’s looking. Fortunately, the image this fellow put forth wasn’t of me but of some other dude standing in his yard doing absolutely nothing. I mean, if you’re going to stand out in your yard at weird hours, at least make the attempt to do something strange in case a drone is watching.