Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

Yes ma’am, I’m sorry, ma’am
So they’re completely repaving Farwell Street in Lewiston and it’s just awesome. For one thing, this project features the most fearsome flag lady I’ve ever witnessed. She not only yells at stupid drivers, she makes them pull over and wait their turn. I swear, she’s just one bad day from making these terrible motorists go stand in a corner somewhere and think about what they’ve done. And secondly, city crews haven’t smoothed around the new manhole covers yet, so driving down Farwell Street feels like driving an obstacle course with possible landmines. Try to dodge one massive lump in the road and you’re likely to hit another. It’s not for the faint of heart. I’ve gotten real good at driving that course, but I did end up on some old man’s lawn the other day. I just thank God the mean flag lady wasn’t there to see it. You think I want a whooping? No sir, I don’t.

I don’t even LIKE spaghetti!
Since you people are always bugging me about what kind of pants I wear, I’ll tell you. For many years now, I’ve been wearing tactical pants (they’re not so much tactical as tacticooool . . .) for the many pockets they provide and for the fact that they are near indestructible. I have three pair of desert-brown pants and one pair that’s army green. All was going swimmingly in my world of pants until I was told recently, without much grace I’ll have you know, that my very favorite desert-brown pair has what appears to be spaghetti sauce stains right in the seat. Well, you can imagine my distress. I tried some Shout stain remover, the type with the built-in brush, and had no luck. I tried the Fels-Naptha route and still that unsightly stain persisted. I tell you, I can’t bear to be without this particular pair of tacticoool pants, so it would be real helpful if the rest of you would go sit in spaghetti and wear the same kind of stains on your pants. We’ll tell people it’s the newest fashion and who knows? Maybe it’ll catch on.

How to tell if you’re old
Ain’t it funny how some of the old folks still refer to pants as “trousers?” The even older ones call them “slacks.” Denim jeans, on the other hand, are “dungarees.” Old folks know how to spice up a language.

Canal drained
While I was down covering the balloon festival on Friday, I couldn’t help notice that the canals had been drained and nobody even alerted me to this. I so enjoy the draining of the Lewiston canals — you never can guess what you’re going to find down there — I honestly don’t understand why they don’t create some kind of festival around that. Accurately guess how many stolen bicycles, sodden sofas, tire rims, mini fridges, doorless microwave ovens and tossed-away handguns will appear down there when the water recedes and win a free shopping cart ride across the muck.