Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

Repent, sinners!
I have it on good authority that a couple was caught fornicating one recent night in the stairwell of one of Lewiston’s parking garages. And yes, I said “fornicating” even though I don’t know anything about this couple’s marital status. It’s just a fun word — I use it a couple times in my resume — compared to the more clinical terms for the act. My editors won’t let me get away with using the REALLY cool terminology so I’m going straight biblical on this one. And now I’ve completely forgotten what we were talking about so let’s just move on.

Is it cold in here or is it you?
So, if you’re like me and you enjoy sleeping with a fan in the window, you’ve probably noticed that you’re waking up lately with various parts of you turned blue with the cold. It’s a tough time of year. Nobody wants to give in and admit that summer is gone, so we just shiver and shake and casually snap the icicles off our beards when it’s time to rise and shine. My sense of seasonal denial is so great, I’ll put up with this cold bedroom climate until the weather observers atop Mount Washington start calling ME for conditions. I really need to get one of those St. Bernards with mini kegs of brandy tucked under their chins.

The way forward
There was also a report of some dude who totaled a Nissan Sentra while drift racing in one of the parking garages. OK, my wife had a Sentra and I could barely back out of the driveway without it slamming on the automatic brakes and sounding 10 different alarms for imaginary objects it thought it saw behind me. And this guy can drift race with one? Clearly my issue was that I tried to drive on public streets rather than in a parking garage. I know better now.

Just stop it
The Harris-Walz team continues to barrage me with spam emails imploring me to do this or that in support of the regime. Even while Kamala was debating live Tuesday night, she was sending me emails. I’d file a cease and desist order, but I’m afraid I’d be so powerful in my language, it might alter the course of global history and send us all spiraling off into some horrid destiny even worse than the nightmare course we’re already on. So, I’ll probably just use my email “block” function and hopefully that won’t impact the future quite as much.

Are we there yet?
So, I climbed Streaked Mountain in Buckfield (or possibly Paris or maybe even Hebron) for the first time on Sunday. I had no idea it was basically a straight up climb with no flat spots along the way. I think I left part of one lung at the halfway point, so if you see that, I’d like it back. Anyway, I’ve always wondered why they call it Streaked Mountain but apparently it has nothing to do with nakedness because when I started to disrobe at the top, people got all weird.