Ernie Anderson

Is it cold in here or is it you?
As always this time of year, my current wife and I are engaged in the perennial game of Furnace Chicken. With temperatures starting to drop dramatically, it’s a contest of wills to see who will turn on the heat first as our lips turn blue, our bodies shiver and icicles start forming out of our nostrils. I feel real good about my chances this year since I got that thermal onesie, which is kind of the Furnace Chicken equivalent of taking steroids.

Cool beans
The good thing about keeping a cold house because you’re too stubborn to turn on the heat? You can leave food out and it’s no big deal. That coffee creamer that sat out overnight? Perfectly fine. In fact, as we speak, I’m about to lay into a pot of what looks like chop suey that’s been sitting on the stove for a week and I’m not worried a bit about it.

I put the ‘rank’ in ranked choice
After studying the rules of election recounts, ranked choice voting and the matter of hand-counted runoff tabulation, I have concluded that Austin Theriault will emerge as winner in the 2nd District congressional race due to the fact that his name has more syllables in it than does the name of his opponent. I’m telling you, the newspaper made a big mistake in not appointing me as its political analyst.

Wait a minute…
Is “Jared” one syllable or two? I don’t want to leave any grounds for appeal.

Timing is everything
It occurs to me that by the time this column appears on Sunday, the winner of the 2nd District congressional runoff may have already been declared. So plainly by now, you see that I was right about everything. Coming up next: I use a Ouija board to predict the outcome of the 2024 presidential election!

Let’s see some hands!
Imagine if, instead of boring recounts and ranked choice confusion, these tight races were resolved through one of the oldest and most reliable means of deciding conflicts? That’s right, I’m talking about “Rock, Paper, Scissors” here. Get candidates Golden and Theriault together at The Blue Goose for a best-out-of-five match and we could have this matter resolved before the foam settles on your beer.

Baby Reindeer
You people know that I’m not one for television. I’m far too busy writing my magnum opus, whatever that is, to spend hours in front of the tube. But I DID catch the Netflix series “Baby Reindeer” recently and I’m here to tell you: This show has changed forever the way I go about offering free cups of tea to women in bars. Although if we’re honest about it, if someone walks into a bar and orders tea, isn’t it obvious they’re a little bit deranged to begin with?

Important update
That wasn’t chop suey. I’m gonna need some time off.