I recently came across a list I made almost 20 years ago. It is entitled Things I Was Warned About. Here is a sampling of its contents

Childhood Warnings: Look both ways before crossing a street. Wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident and get taken to the hospital. Don’t play with matches. Don’t run with scissors. Don’t cross your eyes because they might stick that way. Don’t put anything in your ears smaller than your elbow with a washcloth wrapped around it. Don’t chew gum in bed. Don’t try to pet a skunk. Or a porcupine. Or an armadillo—unless you want to catch leprosy and have all your skin fall off.

Teenage Warnings: Don’t drink and drive. Don’t flush cherry bombs down the toilet. Don’t deface your textbooks or you’ll have to pay for them. If you start shaving too early, the whiskers will grow back thicker, and soon you’ll have to shave every day. Don’t pinch your pimples, you’ll scar your face. Don’t pet stray dogs, they might have rabies. (This last one was left over from the childhood trauma of watching Old Yeller.)

Military Warnings: Take care of your feet and your feet will take care of you. Don’t try to be pals with the first sergeant. Never volunteer for anything. Sleep whenever you get a chance—except on guard duty. Don’t forget to top off your canteen. If you have to sneak up on an enemy, don’t stare at him. People can feel when they’re being stared at. Instead, look slightly off to one side. Don’t lose your weapon.

Once while out on maneuvers, a guy in my unit leaned his M16 against a log, went to pee, and then walked back to his vehicle. He realized he didn’t have his rifle, so he went to get it. Except he couldn’t remember where he’d leaned it. Soon the entire 150-man company was spread out, walking through the woods, trying to find the missing weapon. It was eventually located. As a military expression goes, the first sergeant broke his foot off in the soldier’s backside. Short lengths of rope were issued and everyone in the entire company had to tie their rifle to their body until we returned to the barracks a week later.

Warnings I Received In Africa: Don’t forget to take your anti-malaria medication. Beware of AIDS. Don’t approach any snakes, even if they appear dead. Don’t drink the water. Don’t sunbathe by a river—crocs will pull you under and drown you, then eat you at their leisure. Avoid chameleons, they are evil and will bring you bad luck. Avoid Cape buffalo, they will gore and stomp you to death. Don’t allow a baboon to steal anything of value. They won’t give it back. Don’t drive in Nairobi. Traffic there is worse than traffic in Boston.

Looking at the list of Things I Was Warned About, I congratulate myself on a lifetime of caution, vigilance, and undeserved luck of the good variety.